Starting at 5:30 a.m., I watched my niece travel south. I was so envious. As the days went on, photos of their vacation appeared on social media. Beyond jealous, green. So green.
I took off an extra day of work starting soon and now I can’t handle it. I’m not distracted by the daily things I must do and I’m full of feelings that I don’t want to have. The day went so fast as I slept until noon accidentally. Another day wasted with sleep. I couldn’t understand myself, but yet I do understand myself. A month ago I was listening to those dreaded teenage years where I spoke outloud while recording my feelings on cassette tapes. “I want to be popular, thing, cool, but I’m so lonely.” Guess what? I feel the exact same fucking way which is desperate and foolish. How can I be feeling this way? Somehow I am. Over and over the years it goes. Gross. Yet I’ve been in this relationship committed to one person since 1967. Why can’t I be content? How do I stop wanting more and more? Why am I the only fucking person who feels like this? I felt as though I should start the process of getting a loan to delete some of the rooms in my home. Dining room and living room first ones to go. Make the kitchen feasible. Make this place worth living. I fill up the bird feeders and wait for the Orioles to come. They don’t. I fill up the bird feeders and feel guilty it’s summer and they can find their own food. I want to see the black winged black bird. I want to see mr. and mrs. cardinal. Their presence is validation. It’s nearly 6:30 p.m. and the person I’ve spent the last seventeen years with will be home soon. A couple of months ago I expressed a want, a void to fill. I also cannot sit still long enough to sew a button on. Get the clothes off the line, fill up the fillings, drink a cold brew coffee, the towels need to be folded. What is that noise? I want to hear the summer noises. I don’t want to be bothered with a book. Oh. My niece just sent another suddenly-lose-one’s-self-control chat. Now they’re sitting on the beach. They’re covering a step-nephew with sand. Had his voice changed? Oh it has. I haven’t seen them in nearly a year. I sit on the couch next to their #NationalMuttDay dog who is twitching while she sleeps. What would they do without my help.
Sometimes when I’m in my car in the garage, I think of how easy it would be to kill myself and then I get scared. My womb is empty and I don’t know how to move forward.
The sunrise filtering through the thicket.
Tails wagging. Macy is here. Mommy is home. We’re having pork tenderloin steaks on the grill. We’ve tried to shake paws on the left front but we’ve nearly lost our balance. It was so beautiful outside I could have cried. Please don’t ever leave warm weather. I saw a photo of a contemporary home with orange leaves in the background on a tree. I almost cloud have cried. Please I do not want. August soon.
I had to go pick up some heart worm prevention from Dr Jackoff and she stated that she ordered more of the special pills because there was a recall and da da da, and I just stared at her mad at her knowing who I was and being so very sincere and caring. Don't do that! I don't want you to remember anything about me. Sob horror. I rely on people's awful memories so when I undoubtably do something embarrassing or horrible, they don't remember. Doesn't everyone feel this way? Anyone? Damn it.
I don't even know what to say. It was our fault that we didn't take a moment to let her pee or poop before rehab. A mistake.
So she pooped and then peed in the rehab room. I thought last week was traumatic, this week was a lot worse.
I thought things would be going smoother. And now something is slipping in her operated on knee. So another worry. We haven't been doing the exercises, like at all. So naturally she's not going to get better. Bad bad. I am beating myself up about this. Damn it.
Artie loves to lay on his cot on the patio. Tonight he stayed out there being a good boy as the sun went down. He has welts all over his body, at least twenty or more swollen bite marks from fucking mosquitos. Ugh! Bad bad mommies. Crying. Feel so bad. Terrible, itchy. Damn those blood suckers.
It was a normal day off except that I kept my phone out of my shorts pocket, didn't take any photos and hardly looked at it or worried about it. It was a nice rest for me. The rest of the day was time for staying out of SO's way as she raged because of limited time and having to fix things.
I used a Fiskars scissors to cut the entire back yard grass.
I was amazed by honey bees. It was a gloriously hot summer day and the mower wouldn't start at all. My girl hadn't had much sleep. And she came home from work, changed her clothes, and worked on the tractor for quite some time. She's like the very best ever.
Pipi is doing so much better. I watched some videos from May and she is walking much better than she was then. If only she would walk around a tree or over the gutters. These are the rehabilitation exercises she is supposed to be doing. She knows it's weird and doesn't understand why we would ever do such an odd thing so she doesn't even bother trying. Silly Pipi.
She's my number one.
Bee hive! I emptied a bunch of wood onto the wheel barrel to check and that's what was there.
This morning I felt really happy because my niece was back in our house. There was something that came over me and I felt as though everything was going great and even a bad interaction at work couldn't bring me down. I was typing happy and my comments to patrons were spot on and made sense. I felt this way once before. It involved an illegal drug. Why can't I somehow find the magical spot to feel this way always?
I've lived in this town much too long. If only I was brave enough to move away. But all that stuff. Do I need to cart it off to new lands?
Will there be bunnys? I said "nice to see you" at my former best friends parents. I was so shocked and upset I took the wrong turn home and had to use my brain to find the correct way home.
It basically created this without any input from me.
Tiny birds grabbing cotton for their nests. Love this photo!
Today was terrifying and scary. I had to take Pip to rehab by myself. She ended up getting extremely freaked out and attempted to climb out of the water tank so much the facilitator had to get into the tank with her for the whole session. I felt like a complete failure.
She let me put an ice pack on her leg when we got home. That's about all we can hope for really. Of course recovery too.
I felt fairly proud about the anniversary presents. My head ached with all the cookies I had purchased and wanted to make everyone look at what I can do.
Nova screamed for his dinner and insulin during Jeopardy. I made another dinner for my girl and me. My niece arrived home in one more day. Oh boy. I'm feeling nervous about feelings of aggravation and getting used to her being around again. And at the same time not feeling the urge to run out and do things for her. She just lived on her own practically for 9 months. I think I just realized what that issue is. A mothering instinct? Ew gross forget I ever said that.
So now I'm disabled like Pip except she wants to get better and I'm only hungrier than I was ten minutes ago.
Hummingbird moths remind me of my mother's death. So sad and upset