The date passed of a one year of a great loss. My pardner and I breathe in each day together and another day passes

So this just happened.

History.

I also officially working for the best company because I passed my exam with a ninety two. I pat my self on my back and wonder if this is the best day ever?

Thunder woke me. It was ok I wanted coffee anyway. The morning sky was so dark I had to turn on a lantern to read my book. Pip didn’t even care.

I furminated the animals and organized five hundred bookmarks. I added folders to email accounts. It was a semi productive day.

Watching a documentary on Jeffery Dahmer closed my Sunday night. Thank you universe. I ask for more easy days ahead. I want to do whatever it takes.

I flinched and twitched and leapt at any small unanticipated noise, or if ______ came around a corner when I want expecting it or worst of all when my mother called my name.

Oh, yes. You do get involved. You become an inmate in your own private asylum for the Genteel Insane.

I liked it when she lit one of her Salem Lights in the car. I thought the aroma of the first puff of smoke was delicious. Her breath was intoxicating: menthol, minty chewing gum, mild leather.

—– Death in Slow Motion by Eleanor Cooney

A bunny was under a tree this evening. It’s back towards me. Was it you? Were you checking on your yard? Listening to the earth move underneath dead leaves? Was it you?

Yesterday I took my younger nieces to a movie that took over the world in the late nineties. I wanted to see a certain actress in three d. I missed my favorite part in which some body parts are shown. I spilled my soda promptly before finding our seats. It was a good day.

I watched a giant 747 carry the space shuttle enterprise into retirement over a city called manhattan. I love to see this. I find it so fascinating and oddly sexual. Plus the space shuttle is wearing a diaper of some sorts. Also my Vaio computer fell gently on the floor causing a sad face on the display also, I cannot load the safe boot. Bad bad bad. I had a lot of that computer.

It’s been over two weeks since I started I get my first paycheck tomorrow. I really feel happy about this job. It’s half of my salary of what I was making but really I’m not concerned about that right now. I’m really happy how things are going. I wish I could say more.

It’s a lot of information and my brain actually feels full and tired somehow at the end of my day. I wanted to work later and catch up re-read important chapters but by the time my shift was over I couldn’t do anymore. Tired from reading and stuffing my brain full.

It feels good to work again. Use my brain and I’m actually learning so much. I mean I’m paying attention as if it’s college again and studying and reading taking tons of notes. It’s really awesome. I could do without one of my mentors – sometimes but everyone else is so so so so so great. I love it so far. I really heart this job! Shockingly I like my job – how can that be? I mean I have been programed to not like my job from my mother to my aunt to my pardner to pretty much most of my family. I mean I like it. I’m excited about it. I’m anxious to start my day.

It’s so weird I feel this way.

Also two days ago I started halving my serotonin reuptake inhibitor. I found myself yelling at Pip and feeling awful afterwards. Feeling full of love though.

It rained a lot today. So I found this tiny speck of rain hanging on to the closed tulip. I didn’t mention the dirt splashes on the other side to the tulip. They can be overly sensitive sometimes. Started reading a scary good book about caring for Mothers with Alzheimer’s. Really profoundly identical to my life over the past six years.

Pip: I moved so slight to sit on the lounge like this. But this mommy doesn’t yell at me as much as other mommy. Anyway I was just looking out the window…. Nothing to see here.

My home office mate wasn’t amused by the glare coming off my equipment reflecting off the wall.

It was an interesting vision.

Did u know u can see the future through the curly tail of a cat? Which in my case means copious amounts of socks to match.

You guys this was my first break.

Second break. He doesn’t move much.

Lunch. And I forgot to take pics for the rest of my shift. Sometimes days pass and you forget to breathe.

I get to sit in front of the computer screen resting my head on mommy’s arm or hand purring so loud I vibrate.

I’m not complaining I love to lay on mommy although she constantly moves me when I try to push my bottom near her face and stand in front of her face.

Sometimes I lay behind the computer. I used to have a safe haven when mommy had her desk set up in the other room. This room is quieter and has less traffic.

I love Bic pens!

I’m so happy I get mommy and me time every single day! I’m back!

I dreaded going there yesterday. I dread going there everytime. It’s really sad seeing someone you love so much living with all those older people. First her room smelled like poop. I noticed on her chair dried poop.

After I cleaned that off I noticed there wasn’t anywhere for me to wash my hands because the handle on the faucet was missing. I used the bathroom near the kitchen area. It was filthy. At least I washed my hands obsessively.

My mom’s hands and nails were filthy. Brown caked under her nails, and more brown whatever stuff caked on her hand. I mean, I don’t think it was poop you guys. I would have smelled that I would think.

So I washed her hands and tried to get the brown yuck from under her nails. Her fingertips began to wrinkle we washed so long. Pretty nasty.

We went outside. I cut her nails. I painted her nails. I filed her nails. I mean we’re only paying five grand a month … Oh there are so many things so upsetting.

I sat with my mom holding her hand and I massage her shoulders and back. I don’t know why I do it but I just want to touch her and make her know I love her. I held her clean hand and we watched the others play some games that were so amusing. I noticed the smell of urine.

I cried when the residents around the table sung “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” and they sung the other verse and that is just the worst – something about when I looked there I was mistaken and I laid down my head and cried. C’MON! why is this being sung. UGH excessive rush of blood to my throat.

When mom got up to move to another table, I noticed her pants were wet. I didn’t want to deal with it. So I didn’t. I did mention it to one of the aides which made me sad. I walked out as sad as I always am when I leave. Heart broken.

Today as Sunday’s go was a blur. A time warp. I was just sipping coffee am reading the paper. Then I was smelling urine and sitting outside in the rain. Sipping evening iced coffee. Sunday shorn. And happy. Loving that I finally can go to work tomorrow. A successful Sunday night of no suicidal sadness.

I don’t wash the spare bed duvet cover often. It only is used once or twice a year. Since its a nice day I hung it on the line.

I gathered the heavy cover and hoisted it on the line. I matched the corners to dry evenly.

And there they were. The many black straight hairs belonging to my black precious dog: Meg. I didn’t expect to see them today. My heart broke into a million pieces destroying any resemblance of returning to normal.

Meg claimed the spare bed as her own. She found comfort in the disarray of clean clothes dirty clothes pillows, blankets, thrown into the room with everything else collected on the duvet cover where today I found a collection of her black hairs. I left them as if she were laying in the newly sprouted spring grass lifting her nose smelling distant places. I like to remember her like that. Peaceful. Enjoying her yard underneath the laundry swaying on the line.

At my first break I found this.

At my lunch break things looked like this.

Even though black cats aren’t a sign of luck on Friday the 13th I was so happy she finally layed down and left me alone today. Workstation cat.

You guys, when the sky is this blue I feel like its staring into my soul. And that’s pretty freaky. But I really like to just stare at the sky waiting for clouds to appear, but they never do. Planes appear frequently. I think I spotted a 747 vaporing all over the sky. I had another great day at my job but I’m falling behind. That makes me a little stressed and frantic.

The lastest thing that’s tearin up the yard is Pip’s trick to try and get two things in her mouth at once. Today it was a thick piece of bark AND her ball.

I play with her on my lunch break outside. I thought it would remedy the fact I obviously cannot play with her all day like I have been the past 10 months. But later she dug some large holes in the landscaping which the person I like best is going to freak over. Whoops didn’t keep an eye on her long enough.

Honestly I think Pip can understand every word I say. She seems to anyway. She’s a smarty. But I really miss my black dog today. Can’t believe it’s nearly a year. teary today. excessive eye lubrication.

Pipi helps. and so do the cats. in the only way they know how – to look at you annoyingly or lay on you when you really don’t want to be laid on.

I have a work computer. And I have to admit it is a challenge sometimes figuring out where everything is and how things work. It’s fast, it’s happy. I’m happy. How can I not be happy? I mean I’m relatively happy.

My life hasn’t really told me about liking my employment. I can’t remember ever really enjoying my previous employment. Or any other previous employment. But this is different.

Benefits are top of the line. Discounts are amazing. I almost feel like things are complete. Except I’m missing my mom to share my happiness. It’s odd. It’s sad. It makes me tear up. I also am feeling the lose of my black dog Meg. It’s not the same not having them here.

Working from home is something I’m used to but this time I get up at a decent time every day or at least every day since three days ago and shower, brush my teeth as if I’m really going somewhere. Like an office or at least a place where I wouldn’t mind wearing a hoodie and teeshirt. and slippers. …

I feel really lucky to get this job! I’m thankful to the universe and whomever has made this possible. I feel so happy. I don’t want to be negative I don’t want to say too much.

I play with Pip on my lunch break. I try to wear her out a little. She is still my puppy afterall. It’s just great. I just wish my mom was here and my black dog. I feel like I owe them a thank you for making things turn out this way. Or something.

We walked to a park after many breakfast quiches were consumed. Also Baklava. My sister lent me some tennis shoes 1 1/2 sizes too small. Ouch. Ended up with some pretty major blisters. We played kick ball and soccer. I am so out of shape but at least I wasn’t obsessing about my first day of employment.

My mom was not with us. I didn’t dwell on it. Afterall, we wouldn’t have been able to play sports with her. Still sad. Life is difficult. I miss her a lot.

This is my favorite tree in the yard. The morning sun was shining perfectly through the branches.

It was an accident and when she smelled the blood she nearly gagged and walked away disgusted. And that was Friday. I spent a long time in bed today. Nap. Probably the last Friday afternoon nap I’m going to take for a long time.

You guys, it was a good thing I decided to look at ______ I received yesterday via FedEx. I had until 6PM TODAY to fill out all the paper work and even have it filled out by a manager at a store, then scanned and emailed to HR but do not leave the store until you call 1-800- to assure the I-9 form has been filled out correctly. Also scan and send a copy of the appropriate identification as well. This caused a great deal of stress since I had an appointment in regards to my mother’s care a mere few hours away.

Luckily I made it. I do hate leaving my precious baby Pip. It haunts me as the miles tick farther away from her. You guys, I had the opportunity to see the back of a store. It was pretty cool and all the employees were so kind and anxious to know if I was the new employee for the store. Anyway they were so kind. Weird shit too happened… Unable to explain here.

Everything worked out ok the rest of the day. I FedExed the important documents to ___________, CA. It’s kinda sinking in I’m about to be of the employed world again. And how really ‘cool’ it is to be an employee of probably the most popular world renowned company. Crazy. I’m happy about it.

Feeling pretty ok with that return. That’s the most I’ve ever got back. Also starting to get annoyed over ‘single’ status. Twelve years doesn’t seem like I’m single.

Draw Something latest greatest game sweeping social networking. This is my second cousins drawing. Looks just like my great grandpa which is pretty funny.

This bunny made me very happy.

I voted with Pipi in the presidential primary election. Also many judges and school officials were located on the ballot. I felt like a US citizen.

I watched my niece play junior varsity European football. I get nervous and anxious when I see her get aggressive and knocked down by the extremely larger players. Or at least they seem to be much larger. She’s smaller. But she is ambitious and plays well. Still I’m fearful and tearful when she plays.

I haven’t seen my mother in weeks. Well two weeks. I really just haven’t felt like it. I am fine once I arrive and I don’t mind driving. But I don’t have a very good excuse at all. I made my mother’s chicken and broccoli casserole for dinner. Of course it wasn’t as delicious as her handmade one. My mom it’s like she’s gone like she’s passed away. The way she used to be seems so long ago. The good memories are so long ago. And to see her there. It’s getting really hard. I guess it doesn’t feel quite right. Everything about it makes me sad.

My significant other decided to purchase an amazing Costco membership. I have to say I hadn’t been in one since 2004 and I could have bought nearly six years worth of kalamata olives.

I felt like one of the elite and a major difference between shopping at God awful Sam’s Club. Snobbishly I can tell a major difference in social classes. But the floors sure were shiny!

Afterwards we bought mocha chip custard and some concretes. Then we had a massive amount of nachos, jalapeño poppers, wraps with copious amounts of sauce and chicken washed down with ranch dressing laden potato wedges.

I took Pip to the dog park and admired the setting sun birds migrating and gray streaked clouds. See, April isn’t starting out so badly.

My precious baby with her legs crossed!

And then her eyes turned gold and green. And then suddenly she turned one today. My baby is one. Officially on expensive no grain ADULT food.

I did it. I got a job. Two years to the day of unemployment. Big massive is now my employer. All I have to do us pass the background check, pass several tests and then I start. That process begins the day after Easter pending background check. I’m really relieved. Not only for myself but for the person I love best and all the hard work she has done to keep us afloat.

Trying to find something anything to keep my attention can’t read can’t stand looking at phone. Hot cold sweaty freezing. Unable to hold still want to not move. Restless, anxious, tired after so many hours asleep, listening for the phone. Sadness loneliness perhaps just PMS but mostly just a meh day. Except for the above pretty photo sent by text message from the person I like best.

Tomorrow would have been Meg’s 12th birthday. My heart has healed some but not a moment goes by without something reminding me of her.

I wished I could have sat and watched each blossom fall from the tree letting them collect on the grass and ground. Instead I walked by. They are like tiny clouds of cotton. Small velvety lumps of pink lining the steps.

Looking at the blossoms in these photos I feel the urge to pick up each blossom saving them from ultimately their demise from wind. They will flutter across Route 1 possibly run over by vehicles and fall into a sewer grate wash away with a spring shower or crushed by business attire shoes. I wonder where blossoms go.

As indicated by the blur I never stopped to take a photo. I worried I’d be presumed a homeland security threat taking photos of buildings.

One day the blossoms are barely out and then they are floating down littering the sidewalks.

I had forgotten so many co-workers lived in these condos. Their commutes entailed an elevator down to the underground maze of hallways, then cross the street to the lobbies of security where you must show your badge. Another elevator ride to 11 or 12 and later, 3 and there you were at your office.

The spring bounty of beautifulness made me forget about where I was going. I didn’t need to arrive that early but I did anyway. The gray glow of an early morning commute.

Across the river the blossoms began bursting out around the tidal basin. I felt lucky to see these each day I went to the office. Unfortunately the blossoms are gone within days. But I can relive these cool mornings of 2005 now in 2012 and wonder if my life is any better where I am versus the years past. Time moves on and blossoms blow away.

Scaled the relatively small job section. This caught my eye. But really the professionals section is only maybe three columns. The rest are health care, industries. No good.

Completing my vintage cleaning I listed to a couple of cassettes. All recorded songs off the radio and also recorded off MusicChoice on DirectTV in the later 90′s. I heard that stupid song Mmmmm mmmm Mmm, apparently I liked it at some point. Also, how do I remember those lyrics. You guys, I apparently liked Sheryl Crows’s All I want to Do is have some fun and thinking about that makes my ears bleed. Overplayed stupid song. Of course Lisa Loeb’s Stay. Aww I love that song so much. I remember when she opened for Sarah Maclaughlin and told antidotes about driving to Milwaukee from Chicago. She was so adorable. Fiona Apple, Pearl Jam – Sometimes from No Code. Wow all these songs and then of course Mercury Rev singing Tonight it Shows. My song playing through the video of my life in Vienna, summer 1999. One lyric goes: the way I lit your cigarette which reminded me of Tanja Bayer my teacher lighting my cigarettes, I mean how tingly did that make me. I love music and what it can do for me. And bring me back to those smells, distinct feelings, the weeks until I finally knew why I was different.

Took this photo while driving now Pip can sit and look out the window. Here she was standing.

Half of her wouldn’t fit here anymore.

Afterward I felt a major stress headache emerging. That adrenaline coursing through my body needed to go. I took Pip to the dog park.

It started to gently rain. We headed towards the exit. Then the sky exploded with rain soaking us instantly. Pip who hated to go outside when it rains looked at me like help me mommy help! She kept turning around and looking up at me. We made it to the parking lot and my flip flop slipped off. LOL.

It was then I really felt the rain. Cool. But sorta warm. I licked the rain and surprisingly it tasted delicious. Fresh rainwater running down my face soaking my white teeshirt as we arrived at the car. Pip was impatient and wanted in in in. I took my time getting in. But then I noticed the windows were down. A quick chill arrived to my body. I rode home with the heat on.

Summer
Fall
Winter

In three months it will make the beginning of the journey of Pip’s growth.

My matriarch and fellow tractor owner mowed her lawn today! The temps were in the 80s. The first day of spring they say. Well welcome. The next three months before summer begins will sadly mark tragic events. Also happy events. Also another few weeks and I will officially be unemployed for two years. Shhh but Spring! Bring it! Things are blooming it’s a beautiful day.

I have a job interview on Thursday via FaceTime. How scary.

My sigother temporary uses an antidepressant of the serotonin -norepinephrine and also for excessive worrying that is difficult to control. After several different tries there seems to be a change in behavior shockingly odd. I like it because she’s starting to goof around more which makes life so much easier. Like opening the pantry door aggressively to scare me in to hiding what I was doing. Just stupid things.

I like it.

My mother smelled of men’s eau de toilette. She was wearing her pajama top but I forgave this because she didn’t have any cooler shirts to wear. March 19 people are wearing short sleeves, flip flops, shorts, sleeveless shirts. It’s beyond bizarre. Mom was ok. I made her laugh a lot and hard at Price is Right. People kept looking in wondering if we were ok. I was happy she could laugh so hard. Her glasses were filthy but I didn’t do anything about it. She kinda stunk and had eye crusties. But these things aren’t the worst. Or at least I’ve made peace with these things.

Anyway… Spring is hours away.

“Today was hot. I was having a hard time focusing on anything. Especially the many birds at the feeders.

I noticed a yellow finch at the feeder and also saw a heron flying. The sunset encouraged a cool down. It was hot today.

I read about an orange cat looking for its forever home because the dog it lived with was too rough on him. I worried the humans I live with would give up me and figured I’d better deal with the abuse from the puppy.” – Nova

Because of the many hours in bed I felt achey. I opened every window in the house. Each bedroom shade opened the air outside fresh and somewhat thick. Clouds rolled by.

It was nearly 80 and I hate it. I hated it that because it was over 80 degrees I felt obligated to go outside. I haven’t worn a bra since Monday. I haven’t worn underware since Monday, I’m not about to start now.

It’s March 17, eighty degrees in Wisconsin. We’re breaking all sorts of records here with global warming.

I watched Tron Legacy. It irritated me. I watched Let the Right One In.. I wasn’t able to surf the Internet, read twitter, read reader, and play words with friends or draw something because it was subtitled. Ok. Well I made it through that one. I opened the fridge. I opened the freezer, I opened cabinets and really became irritated because nothing could satisfy me. I settled on two month old frozen waffles that I burned in the toaster oven as I sat outside and made sure Pip didn’t make anymore holes. I felt sad, mad, blah,
malaise.

Shortly after the waffles I ate chip after chip. Nothing satisfied me. I ate a large king sized candy bar with nuts and peanut butter. I drank coffee really wanting icetea.

I tried starting another movie The Runaways. I ended up fast forwarding and ultimately deleting before “Ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!” meh I thought.

I went to the bedroom. Both windows opened the curtains flapping in the warm breeze. This is June weather if not May. I heard the neighbors yelling and hearing little children talk in their high voices. I felt annoyed because I knew it was my former classmate’s children. There is no where to go. When I step outside I feel naked. Everyone looks at me. All the trees are gone and I’m afraid with these warm temperatures neighbors might feel the need to check in with me to hear where mom is. I want to hide.

So I stayed inside. I lay in bed warm and with my black kitty on my arm. I read my phone. I realize it’s 5. How can this be? I don’t question. It’s just another day of worry. Of impatience. Of sadness in general.

While in a semi state of unconsciousness I dreamt of vacations. Flying away. Then I thought of something I read yesterday that now haunts me:

When life gets you down
tylercoates:

Ask yourself, “Would twelve-year-old me think my life is awesome?” The answer’s generally yes.

When the person whom I share my bed with arrived home Pip became concerned with us together sitting near each other. Poor Pip was traumatized last night as I held her and we removed the tick. So she peeked around the corner at us unsure of everything. Meanwhile Nova hung out in a box. Not in any relation to Pip’s feelings.

When my beloved love of my life passed away all I could do was play Sudoku on my phone. It was the only thing I could take my mind off the pain. I’ve started to play again. I’ve solved all this weeks puzzles from the newspaper until today’s I had done them all in pen. I took a shower and came back to find the above on the floor. It took me awhile to find a pencil. Don’t really know where one is to replace it. Still reeling from last weekend. So much fun. So many laughs. A very memorable weekend. Found a tick on Pip tonight. A surprize since it’s only the very beginning of spring. Yuck. Back to Sudoku. I will get my thoughts sorted out one of these days and commit the ideas to web log we blog.

In addition to many things talked about we had the opportunity to visit with many brown cows and several baby cows in a pasture. I also spotted a woodpecker in the evening sun. Farms are so peaceful. Except for the burned leftover shells of cans, glass, and aerosol bottles.

We drove southwest for a long time. I spotted a nuclear power plant in the distance. The thought of living within 150 miles from it made my stomach heave.

A very horrible shocking occurrence happened. My mom leaned forward and I heard something, but thought it was the leather seat of the chair. Then there was another airy noise and I realized my mom was farting. I know farting can be funny but I was in tears and even now thinking about it I’m crying.

To understand why I felt so emotional the exiting person who was my mother is not there anymore. First, my whole life with my mother when she was normal and my real mom, she didn’t fart in public. I mean she was never a gassy person or even belched. My mother was prim and proper for the lack of another term. She was a prude. She grew up very WASPy and I’m not saying these sorts of people don’t have flatulence but listen, my mom never ever farted in front of me. There wasn’t ever an unknown source of odor. She just never did it. And I can say for sure my grandfather whom I lived with for nearly twenty years NEVER FARTED in front of me ever.

So when my mom leaned forward and let it out I nearly yelled or left or shouted “this is an unjust world!” but instead I stared straight ahead not wanting to believe what I heard. And then what I smelled. Nothing prepared me for this. How can my mother be this other person. Does she do this with the other residents? Does she even realize what is going on? That she is doing that?

Another finalization of a completely different person is in my mother’s body. She’s not my mother especially after what she did in front of me. I left and felt so sad. My eyes welled up.

She said she’s not going to cry anymore. She says why there is no need to. Another sad drive home.

Another day of nothing. One thing completed: we blog entries … I’ll explain later.

The dog and cats played chase for much of the day. The temperature was high enough to open windows. I have no idea what I did today. I took a shower. I made bacon grease flicked eggs with four pieces of buttered toast. I wasn’t hungry until nearly 2000 amazingly. I cleaned up the kitchen. I watched Martha and a doc about Millie and John Loving. Sweet amazing love story. I tried on my clothes I ordered online all miraculously fit except a teeshirt. I stared at my computer screen. I looked outside. I played tug with Pip. I slept in irresponsibly. I thought about a trip to see my stepmother and father. I watched another doc about hot mcdonalds coffee.

Everytime I went outside today there was a nature event happening like birds returning from the south. The day started with the facilitator from my caregiver group telling me about a book she read about a daughter taking care of her mother and thought of me immediately. I adore the facilitator so this really made me happy. She borrowed the book to me. I always feel like I want to tell her something. I don’t know what else I want to tell her.

Then things turned annoying and stupid. Things that don’t really matter. Like I ate McDonald’s two days in a row and yes I worry about my arteries and salt intake but I don’t do much about it. Just keep eating. This journal online web detailed portrayal of my day is annoying me. Today was soured by what? I’m not even sure I can put my finger on it. I’m so confused. And the job searching? Ongoing and relentless.

I really dreaded going to visit mom today. I hadn’t seen her since Feb 15. I really needed to go. I got up early and brewed coffee. I loathe putting my precious Pip into her house. She accepted although sadly. This was one reason why I didn’t want to go.

Naturally she had to use the bathroom after I removed my scarf and coat. Smeared poop appeared suddenly everywhere. This is the number two reason for not wanting to visit. Regretfully I admit. She can’t help it and once I start to clean her up I don’t stop until she’s cleaned perfectly for a moment. My poor mom. She gets embarrassed and starts to say sorry and horrible. I don’t let her because it just doesn’t need to be said.

We watched Price is Right and we laughed. Wilford Brimley appeared on a commercial for DIA-BEE-TUS. She laughed a lot. She seemed good although the first thing she asks about is “and Grandma?” I asked her if she meant her maternal grandmother using her name and then she said no. She meant my grandma, my father’s mother. This is weird that she asks us about her each time we come. Nothing is new or tragic with my grandma but she wonders about her and I don’t know why. Using the secret code we walked out of the memory unit into the long maze hallway. I had her climb some stairs and walk fast, exercising. I held her arm. Like I always have. I hugged her a lot.

“We miss you,” I told her. Her room didn’t reek of urine today. Her bathroom had some poop remnants but was mostly clean. She kept speaking of her man friend. She likes him so much she says. I felt so sad seeing her eating her lunch. I always cry when I walk away as I leave. Leaving her is hard everytime. I hate it. But at home I’m so thankful I don’t have to be constant. Some relief.

Today I slept in. I watched a hilarious video my baby niece made while I slept peacefully in the morning hours. What is it with kids and getting up so early? I brewed coffee and we are dry doughnuts and played cards. I was happy to have someone to keep me company. I filled out job applications which sent me into a funk. I couldn’t apply to the possible telework job I really wanted to apply for. Complications on web sites. It snowed all day beautiful fluffy flakes.

I made a plan to get a job this week. Maybe I’ll be a pizza delivery person (really) or a dog day care employee. I hate the thought of my poor baby Pip alone in her house. So sad. Then we sat on the couch listening to the fire in the fireplace pop while watching incredible depressing scary Fukushima nuclear radiation explosions. Can’t believe it’s been a year almost. Also I ate this incredible homemade sundae to help combat Sunday night blues.

Pip started to bark and I didn’t need any disturbances. I knew it was the neighbor walking their elderly dog. I watched as Rocky got stuck after doing his business. My neighbor tried to get Rocky to come to him but he quickly knew he couldn’t make it. I watched my neighbor trudge through the snow in his slippers and lift the poor dog up. He is a large dog. Rocky wandered up our driveway. I watched them go down the street not bending his back right leg. Arthritis has seized the poor dogs legs. I watched Rocky aimlessly and clearly senile wander. It’s so heartbreaking. Then I thought of Meg.

I became thankful she went as she did. It’s impossible I have thought this. I can’t fathom any minuscule of good from that day. So many what ifs. But I understood tonight while watching Rocky struggle and my neighbors struggle. I’m sure every moment they watch him and assist with laying down or lifting they are thinking of the last trip to the vet. I can’t even go there. I looked over at my now sleeping puppy. And I am glad, never glad, perhaps relieved, I’m relieved we didn’t have to think of this with Meg. Although the pain of losing Meg still hurts so, and sometimes I still think to myself in disbelief she is gone, no longer with us, no new memories to share. I know she left us so she wouldn’t make us go through an impossible euthanize situation. And to this I say Thank You to my sweet precious black baby. I get it now. I understand. I am at peace now and you were one of a kind. Please visit me in my dreams healthy and happy just the way I remember you.

Ello snow. It was a slow nap day and after about two hours of laying down three inches of snow appeared on the ground and heavy in the trees.

My baby niece came over and a miraculous miracle happened: Nova walked over and cuddled with her. He hasn’t liked her ever since she kind of tormented him or at least annoyed him for the first few years of his life. This made her so happy. Also we were watching that horror movie Cat’s Eye making it even more special.

The snow sat heavy on the evergreens out back. Pip bounced and bounded through the snow like it was the best day of her life. I had to brush off the satellite dish because our service was getting a bit disrupted. I feel sad my niece is already going home tomorrow.

I made plans for activities during the day. She will be picked up around 1030 and this makes me sad. She arrived later than expected because of the snow and then off to bed… She is excited about her iPod she received for her bday. We talked apps but she’s already gone. Another Saturday alone.

One thing for certain Pip will be one year in thirty one days. Aw my little girl is growing up so quick. She’s still leaking urine. We are constantly cleaning spraying carpets, couches, chairs. It’s sad and I feel bad for her.

My sigother is exhausted. I feel sad about this. She’s depressed. She gets up before 7, starts work at 8, leaves one job and starts the other at 2, gets home around 7:30. She is resenting me big time as I sit, searching for employment. Something has got to change. March represents two years of unemployment. I haven’t had an interview. Frustrating. But I don’t want to leave my baby.

So I have this cold and it was pretty bad today. It’s that thing where if you don’t keep a tissue handy, well it’s not healthy. Also the violent sneezes as well as the coughing and hacking. I had much higher hopes for the leap day 2012 but as things tend to go nothing happened.

Pip had digestive issues and kept me from sleep most of the early morning hours. Also we went to the grocery store in the mild weather but I wore a wool hat because of the fear of catching a chill. Poor Pip was trembling in the backseat as I backed into the garage. She held it for me. Good girl!

Since I cannot taste or smell I chose to buy and eat this for lunch. I am happy the Campbells soup company chose to keep this simple design. It is a comfort to see. My mom would prepare this for my lunch and I’d eat while watching Sesame Street in the basement on a T.V. tray after morning kindergarten.

How many more times do I blow my nose and I didn’t sleep last night so I fell asleep at eleven am and slept until three now sitting here I’m afraid I will start choking while laying in bed and what if it thunders? I want to hear the first thunder of twenty twelve. I should really read a book. I checked the home phone today because it hasn’t rang for a long time. It is fine. Just no one calls. Watched a horrid short film called Hole in the Paper Sky I bawled complicating my stuffy nose and runny nose. It’s a dark and stormy night. I love it. Raining windy. Pip barked and growled at something our the front window I looked and saw nothing. May have been the raccoon checking for Meow Mix. I miss my mom. I haven’t visited her because I am sick and shouldn’t spread these things to the world. My sig other visited her and things were depressingly disgusting. More phone calls and sadness.

There were signs I kept ignoring. Maybe if I ignored enough it would go away. I had a sore throat. I felt the creep of a tickle behind my wisdom teeth and slithering towards my ear. I couldn’t hold back my cough. I realized I have the cold all my nieces had and most likely passed on to me.

‘Just hangin out with Meryl watching the Oscars.’ — Nova & Pip

I had to move the couch cushions around because Pip has a leaky urethra. Nova found a perfect fort to hide from the rambunctious Pip.

Nova needed a little bit larger accommodations. He doesn’t want to complain though.

As with everywhere winter has been very mild.

Winter said hello today.

Beauty was everywhere.

It was a welcome sight.

I hate when people explain their dreams. But I must make a bizarre note of my dreams lastnight.

• Massage shower head in a restaurant bathroom. Used bc of dislike of seafood restaurant, nobody listens to me. In a suit with pantyhose yet using shower head for that one thing it’s good for.
• sister found me in bathroom
• green lawnmower and fighting with my sigother over moving also orange light blue favorite colored lawnmower
• house dirty, pushed through giant spiderweb, spider fell on me owner of house tried to find it
• my aunt feeding my mother in restaurant
• heard someone coming down hall
• told sigother to get gun while she went to the bathroom
• couldn’t hear because of whitenoise fan and humidifier
• she gave me pistol
• pointed at darkness
• she came back to bed saying ‘I guess we have a reason to get a gun now’ or something

I don’t have vivid dreams like this. Not since Cymbalta was in my system.

Nights like these are a time to be happy and thankful my nieces are healthy and I can see my baby niece on her tenth birthday. I remember her birth well. I was at the hospital shortly after she was born and waaing behind the closed door. My oldest niece and nephew were bouncing off the walls with excitement. My other niece was throwing up due to excitement the poor thing. My mother was still herself and with my sister in the delivery room.

These nights I don’t want to miss. I want to be here with my nieces and I feel upset if I’d miss her birthday if I moved away.

Amusement from dogs bouncing the fields, muddied paws, squinting owners. We temporarily forgot our sorrows.

There is so much fun at the dog park. I liked it Pip kept track of us and made sure we weren’t too far away or if she ran to the other side of the field she looked for us right away. Meg was like this. I’m happy Pip is too. I don’t know how she learned this.

Oh what fun. I couldn’t help but feel full of love and happy to see my pup so happy. A dead weed filled field is all she needs.

And of course the knowledge of where we are at all times.

She is the first funeral I have attended of someone who died at my age. There was nothing to feel but sadness as I looked at her drained skin and makeup face. I felt terrible I hadn’t seen her for years and there I was looking at her dead. It wasn’t how I expected to ever see her. No one expects death at this age.

We worked across the street from one another and our shifts were done at 4. We’d follow each other home laughing as she mouthed ‘FUCK’ which always made me laugh because she said it so much. More than I knew anyone to. It made me laugh everytime. We got off at the same exit. I didn’t expect that to be the last time either.

The most striking amazement came in the form of the enormous long line snaking throughout the funeral home and sometimes almost out the door. We must have stood at least an hour before we made it in to say our condolences. A terrible thing. Just tragic.

Went to visit my alma mater and my niece. It was quite snowy. I found it rather exciting to be in THE CITY! Afterall, I have to leave the house to find stuff to blog about or tweet about back inside.

My niece talked non-stop which was adorable. She has mixed feelings about dorm life as well as friends and partying.

Here is a door I like in the city.

I sat at the kitchen table to read for a moment while sipping on reheated coffee and immediately there is a cold kitty that wants to snuggle. I love snuggle time but can I just sit down for one moment without an animal on me?

I woke up to my tiny kitty screaming and scratching at the bedroom door. The door is never shut all the way because of this. Pip didn’t come to meet me when I went to the bathroom. This was odd.

I woke later to find a note spelled out in M&M’s and DOUGHNUTS! My sigother sure knows the way to my heart. I made brownies.

I stood in line with all the other procrastinators I felt ashamed I was one of them.

My sigother brought home a heart shaped pizza we ate while watching Martha. It wasn’t an exciting day but it was perfect to me. Things that made me relatively happy happened. It made me feel good and grateful.