I spotted one of my favorite weather phenomenon: Hoar Frost.

It was so beautiful.

Everywhere: hoar.

I was excited to see the hoar frost up close in the yard but by the time I got about 25 miles from home the phenomenon wasn’t present any longer. Only fog.

An uneasiness falls on me. This is not normal. Not for Wisconsin. I suppose sprouting is just around the corner.

Can you imagine showering once a week? She cries when she looks in the mirror, her hair is flat and greasy.

I visited today after mentioning all these complaints to the director of the facility and she nodded and agreed. I was very happy what I saw. My mom’s hair was done! She also was clean. I know she gets her weekly shower on Saturday nights but maybe they changed that to today. She didn’t smell. She looked good. My mom looked really nice with her hair done. The bathroom wasn’t perfect but it was better, as I knelt in front of the cabinet putting the adult diapers away. I noticed the drain in the shower looked fab.

She told me about George. ‘This nice man’ she kept calling him. As far as I can gather he looks after her and ‘takes care of me’. It’s cute. She was sitting next to him as I greeted her in the hallway. We sat in her room for over an hour and I cried. I miss her and I hate it that this has happened to her.

But she looked good and things had been improved since I called. Her toenails need to be cut.

I called my aunt after speaking with my grandmother for awhile. My aunt was happy to hear about the changes and her hair and cleanliness of her.

I called my sister in my relatively happiness to explain what had happened. My sister said she gave her a shower because she stunk yesterday and her hair was greasy so she did her hair when she was done with the shower.

Oh.

There is a white dried stain on her bedspread. Her glasses had a blue string hanging from them. I left it there at first. I had noticed some people had names on their glasses with a noticeable sticker on the arm. I wondered if someone there had put this blue piece of string on the glasses hing so they know it’s mom’s.

I looked at her glasses and removed the piece of string. It was just that. A piece of string hanging from her glasses for no reason why.

I have so many doubts and regrets.

Also these.

Time to move on from the craziness and mania.

Worthless.

Lonely.

I have nothing.

I don’t have anything to give.

Hate my feelings

Hate myself as I knew I would. I organized and tried with the house and three weeks later it’s too late. I can blame others for time delay but I never took the step towards contact and now. Gone.

The self loathing continues. I hate myself so much. Here I am in Wisconsin and it means nothing. I feel dead stupid worthless hate myself ad nauseum.

Damn it.

Fuck u. Your chance is over life is the same as before they were here. Damn

I did these things because I envisioned them coming here. Really? Yup. Like I stated I’m consumed with the idea of having complete strangers in my home for ….. well? Brunch. I’ve settled on brunch. I’ve settled on becoming someone I’m not – Outgoing and talkative and positive and creative and comfortable in my own skin.

But I’m NOT. I’m, so fucking NOT.

And that alone makes me say “what the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck am I doing?” why bother why bring them to my stinky out of date home?

Ugh and the thought of them…. HERE. My eyes tear up because I cannot fathom it. So because of this I’ve gone back and forth on a daily basis of actually going through with contact and well… forgetting everything.

Meanwhile their reason for being here happened one week ago yesterday. Gaybies.

I attempted to explain these things to my psychotherapist and I she didn’t get it one bit. No one will not even the person I’ve slept with for seven point five years. I guess I could try to make her understand. I’m embarrassed. Ashamed. feel incredibly stupid. I’m me and this is why I’m so ashamed.

On the other hand, I envision this brunch of vegan / vegetarian dishes. Desserts.

Conversation, I’d have to work hard on keeping abreast of what to mention and try not to let them know I am stalkingly social networking pretty much non-stop.

So the biggest thing is I know there time is very limited since the reason(S) why they were here are now here. And they will be on their way probably NEVER coming back to this area since they have been here for several weeks maybe even over a month probably. Yesterday and Wednesday I gave up since I knew their time would be very limited. “It’s too late” I said to myself. “you missed your stupid chance” and the regret would be here in a matter of miliseconds. So I’m dealing with second thoughts and thinking of actually REALLY contacting them.

I will lay in my bed in the early morning hours and think about it writing my letter in my head over and over again wondering how I could even describe who I am and why they don’t know me and why the fuck I know of them (not KNOW them) lets get real this is the internet we’re dealing with.

My mania persists non-stop. I eat and eat and the person I share my bed with has become resentful towards me and I feel it and instead of doing something about it I keep thinking of brunch and meeting two gay daddies and welcoming them in my home. Also money.

This would be the main reason why my sig other would be completely against anything to do with having guests over – money. Preparing a lavish (I certainly would try) meal for two people I’ve never met before would be… well C R A Z Y . and i get it. but i still cannot give up.

because i have nothing else to fill my days with. i have nothing else to consume myself with. and the person I share my bed with’s birthday is now five days away and I have nothing prepared for this either. But I can fantasize and prepare myself for a pseudo event which most likely will never happen.

Today. 55F to 24F. Must be Wisconsin.

Pips first experience playing in the snow and she pretty much went crazy and romped and thought she could eat it all. Munching on it. Funny.

I took her for a short walk down the street with Meg’s leash. It was so exciting! Beautiful sparkly snow lightly covering everything. Peaceful. Except for the puppy dragging me. It’s funny because she pees wherever instead of the grass. Just like Meg. MissU my black precious dog. Still can’t believe she’s gone.

Pretty much broken since mom is gone. I don’t know what to do with myself and although this is the case I don’t feel very bored that often. My heart aches for her each time I see her. I miss her so much and hate to think of her there. Regardless she is there and it’s been an entire month now. I haven’t had to clean her up I haven’t had to get up with her.

Her room remains empty. A sad reminder every time I walk by. I’ve always known her to be in there ever since forever. We each had our own TVs and she’d watch her datelines, 20/20 48 hrs before the organic brain disease struck. Where is my purpose? If she isn’t here where do I go from here?

A new blog entry went up furthering my ongoing issue of jumbled thoughts. I wonder, is this a sign? out of all the many places they could be they are less than twenty minutes from my tiny world. And to know this and not put forth an effort of introducing myself and finding myself in their world? How can I resist this?

Then the reality of being the poorest I have ever been in my life slams me back into the present. I listen to Roisin Murphy sing ‘u know what to expect, u know me better than I know myself, u know me the best’ and I’m distracted for a moment by the melody and the feelings of excitement by something for a moment feels good and I want to rewind rewind rewind but those feelings are never as good as the first time.

The author of my very favorite non heterosexual online web diary I have read since 2005 happens to be in the area of south eastern Wisconsin. I know why. I have figured it out from his blog entries and photos while social media stalking him. I suppose I have this dream of meeting him, dinner, meeting Pip, sitting in my house, delivering some sort of amusement. I’m like so infatuated with the IDEA I collapse with failure when I see my home and how out of date. The complete embarrassment of myself. The hundred plus obese corn syrup delusional boring unsocial lazy can’t even finish a book, dance phobic. Inviting some gay men (I haven’t ever been part of a situation like this) into my home for an evening, of what? Do I know anything about anything? Fucking shit!!!!

So then I obviously throw myself into this terrible shameful regretful abusive mess hating everything about my life.

I’m bored. I have nothing to be awake for during the day. I look about my home and I want to rip things off the wall throw things away. Paint scrub the paint off the walls. I want to put forth money for remodeling and then maybe a possibility of an invitation over.

I feel so lame so stupid. I grind and clench my jaw to protect myself from the absurdity of it all.

But there is that little bit of me wishing for something to look forward to. The tiny bit of hope I feel to actually make a friend or two. Make believe I really could mean something to anyone someone.

My life just feels so meaningless which is an exaggeration but there is nothing right now. Nothing for me to focus on. I don’t have any interests to get me started. I feel as though this could be one thing.

Could we sit across the table from one another looking at a world of differences except for that one thing of being non heterosexual. I feel as though it might work. Would I have enough information about Wisconsin to speak of. Is this fucking stupid am I insane? Do I even know how to do this? Why would I do such a thing? Can I make anyone understand why these ideas take over like a lunatic during any down time (there is much) especially when I lay down to sleep. What is going on with me? Why is this happening? I’m so stupid I feel idiotic. But at the same time I’m tempted and feel as though if I don’t put myself out there and say it I will have regrets and I have so many regrets and what if the Mayans were right?

It was nearly an hour of paper work and discussing things we already knew. The investment banker took a look at the power of attorney docs and since I am secondary he asked for my driver’s license to have on record if anything would happen to my sis etc. While filling out the paper work he asked ‘single married?’ ….. I gave a pause AS IF there was another option and I was like ‘single.’ I guess….

Twelve years my significant other and I have been together. The two option question which I gave pause and felt my sister’s eyes on me, pondering what shall I chose? I wondered if she wondered and felt what I felt momentarily – releasing the information that I am “single” and clearly haven’t been for twelve years. I felt unjust. Unworthy of such an answer as single. I made a decision that if marriage equality EVER comes to WI I will use and take advantage of it. I mean what the fuck? I want to be seen as an equal member of society.

I feel less than. A big fat less than. And there the marriage certificate sat. My b-in-law showed me a sentence on the back – “this is not an official record of marriage” meaning that piece of paper I held and read the sentence off the back of. blah blah blah. A piece of fucking paper. My sis and him met in Sept and were married six months later.

Also very fun to run fast and see if she can ‘get’ me. These are her first experiences with snow. There is very little snow but she grabs a bite with her front teeth against the cement.


She looks at the yellow snow wondering where that hole came from. Her paw prints are interesting. Everyone of them. It’s all a new discovery when you’re a 8 month old. My protector Pip.

We watched Taxi Driver. Not sure what that was all about. The background signs lights trucks buses distracted me with vintage colors and advertisements. Olive up. Nothing extra ordinary happened. We all stared out the window at a flightless bird eating sunflower seeds off the ground beneath the snow. I littered the ground with easier accessible seeds but the bird disappeared. Bickering was at a minimum but we still did our share. And there is always time to lay in bed for a deep sleep nap. I enjoyed the first day of 2012.

So I made cookies yesterday. All day. Sachertorte, chocolate peanut butter sandwich, secret kiss, fudge, fairy. Then after lunch I felt tired and laid down. After ten minutes at the most I got up and there the ache arrived. Raspberry jam to make, turtle doves, oh Henry. Nothing could get accomplished because once again, a severe back ache arrives four day before Christmas.

Where is my excited feelings that used to arrive before Christmas? Each day closer the excitement grew. Now it’s dread. I haven’t wrapped. Not my biggest problem. I haven’t finished shopping for gifts my mother will give to the grandkids. This is supposed to be fun. But there is nothing remotely fun about nagging pressures. Even though my mother is no longer my # 1 there is still much to do and concentrate on. And I need to heal myself before continuing on.

I saw both my parents today. A rarity. My father had arrived and treated us to brunch. I had to focus very hard all weekend to hide the disapprovement toward the newest and youngest members of the family. But due to the lack of coffee in my system I didn’t succeed and I am full of regrets.

My youngest niece sat next to me as I raged but thankfully never towards her. I regret not listening to her more as she asked me several questions. I love her as if she was my own. But I still have regrets.

My stress level accelerated bc of my sis’s stressed levels. It’s a convoluted pressing obstacles to overcome. I fantasizes of years to come when we could all relax and eat in peace.

My other nieces brought me joy. Bacon, scrambled eggs, sausage links, ny strip, turkey, and an omelet with jalapeño, and a waffle with whipped butter. I could have ate more more and more.

Bagels and lox. Uncommon in this area and we had to order the capers a la carte. Anyway I became very defensive about nothing except a young boy. I’m sure he doesn’t care but I feel bad about it now. It was all because of a lack of coffee and defensive abrupt unthinking selfish foolish behavior. Tomorrow is another day.

My sister and I visited my mom. She cried when she saw us. She was sitting with someone a cute old lady, when she stood in front of her and she said ‘my daughters’. I had an anxiety attack she didn’t know who we were for a moment. She cried we drank coffee on her room. We helped her use the restroom. She asked about Pip. I told her of the urinating on the carpet. She said ‘Meg never did that.’ I was blown away she could even form that sentence or remember Meg, her personality traits, her behavior. I relished the conversation. I asked her if she was mad and she said ‘ I know I have to be here because (of the disease)’ . Tears. Sadness. Miss her and know she misses us so much.

My father arrives today. Christmas time with the family.

I applied for one job today before finding out the person I like best’s job will be terminated in one week.

I emailed an old coworker hoping he could be my reference. He is a Hawaiian now living half a world away. I remember him being wonderfully eccentric to work with. He sent me an email with a photo of a rainbow and the subject ‘Somewhere over the’

Writing cover letters are intolerable for me.

I listened to Spotify. Prodigy’s Out of Space came on and I nearly grabbed my Adidas hightops, track suit and pacifier and started tripping. I have so many regrets filling landfills with my old C.D.s and now I wish I still had that one. Raves strobe seizure inducing lights. Pip cocked her head to the side wondering what the world those noises were on the songs. She gave it her best ‘RCA dog’ head tilt. It was an awesome moment.

Crying and screaming occurred earlier while on a phone call with my aunt. Everything hurts when I think of mom and I hate it so much.

Pip’s first holiday cookie took .7 milliseconds to eat. I think she enjoyed it.

Much crying and screaming were done trying to get through ‘Home for the Holidays (There’s no place like)’ by Perry Como and of course ‘Grownup Christmas Wish’ by anyone while I made frosting, cookies, Noel Balls, fudge.

The person I like best visited my mother today. I cried and cried just because for no reason but hating the disease and hating everything about seeing and knowing my mother is staying there. My heart hurts I hate everything about it. Except for the part where he is taken care of.

One of my heroes wins the tweet of the day. This prompted me to tweet back 4 times with reasons why Alzheimer’s disease is much worse.

All in all a December day to accept and keep rolling on.

‘Dogs barking the lyrics to Jingle Bells frightened me and made my hair stand up on end you guys. However the action in the kitchen with many butter wrappers flour and dough made me quickly forget.’ – Pip

A dark chocolate mocha and some pictures of the kitties and Pip made my mom so happy today. She cried again when she saw me. I helped her with going to the bathroom and wiping. I worried about her care especially with using the bathroom. I sat with her while they ate. Many different scenarios were happening with the few CNAs and the disgruntled confused man. But at the same time I felt amazed at everyone chewing and remembering how to feed themselves even if one woman spooned out her soup into the watermelon. I smiled at them all feeling sad but happy they still appeared content with feeding themselves and the joy of food. I repeatedly said I love u to mom and hugged her and kissed her. These actions are different. When I said goodbye I said ‘I think I’m going to go now.’ and she said ‘I understand’ my heart broke into a million pieces. The understanding makes me so relieved and sad I cannot bear it. I said I’d return in a few days. MissU Mom.

I visited my mother in the facility we had chosen for her. The drive there was full of discoveries I’m sure I’ll tire of soon. She sat in the dining room when I arrived. A group of women were playing dice. She smile and made a noise of glee. The facilitator told me they would watch the game later I said okay as I grabbed my mothers hand and went towards her room. I looked at her and she was crying. The tears flowed freely and often while I hugged her and tried to change the subject. She said she misses us.

I showed her this photo of Nova which made her laugh hard. I told her I’d bring her some pictures of the kitties and Pip. Most of the time there was silence. I felt overwhelmed with exhaustion even though I knew it was a trick for me to escape being there. Her tissues were missing. Her bathroom appeared messy. We took a walk down the hallway. We came around to the game and sat down. They ate popcorn and drank soda. Some were into the game. I felt sad and rested my arm around my mom’s shoulders, I didn’t really want to leave. I had mom sit back down. She got up with me to leave. I couldn’t really say the words. Goodbye was too harsh. So I left her there not looking back. It hurt me so much. I went back to her room. Tears while I quietly closed the door.

It is still Autumn but I reminded myself it really is winter. Today was better. I busied myself with chores I have put off for many months. I folded and hung my mother’s clothes in her now empty room. I couldn’t breath while neatly folding. I was afraid of smelling her and knew this would cause a breakdown. Tomorrow I will visit her no longer her caregiver but as her daughter.

The day is upon us. It is here. Today I place my mother in an assisted living facility. Things have been better. I can only compare these feelings to leaving home many years ago. Sleeping in my room the last time. Eating breakfast with mom. As I tucked mom in tonight I felt so sad. Beyond sad. Almost a finality of what will transpire tomorrow. I wish I could tell her this is your last night sleeping in this house. But I just can’t. This is beyond anything I have ever felt. I wanted to sit down while labeling her clothing I couldn’t let myself for fear of never moving or able to continue. I have to power through things just to get through them without giving up even when it’s not hard. Everything is hypersensitive. I listen to the words I speak and feel so stupid and wonder if I’m sounding sincere when I thank the endless amounts of people in my life who have touched my life and understand what I am going through. It’s infinite wonder but I can dwell on anything because it just makes everything harder and question if I could possibly do the right thing.

I miss Meg so much. When I looked at the photos from St Nick 2K10 I pretty much lost it.

Sometimes I can’t believe she’s dead and I will never see her again. With all I am going through with mom she really helped me somehow with her wagging tail, calmness, sighs, panting, itching her ears, smelling her paw and then gingerly licking it. That is what makes me feel so bad. Now mom is leaving I’m worried, stressed, sad, anxious, overwhelmed and I want her to calm me. Wished I filled her stocking with treats she loved and she would know what the stockings meant, some sort of deliciousness was there. I wish I could give back the love and support back to her and make her know I appreciated her being my black dog for those 5 amazing years.

As I placed the no longer needed materials to the end of the driveway for pickup tomorrow the stray cat Snagglepuss greeted me. It was so nice to see her fluffy fur and feeling her warm ears although the air hovered below freezing. She felt like home when she put up her tail and came close. It was a good feeling despite turmoil within. Mom in the hospital another night. Thinking of her alone in her bed eating her dinner. Worry sadness. Two more days remain before she is gone. What will life become?

The last Sunday my mother will be home. Unfortunately she passed out while blow drying her hair. The constipation, UTI, and feeling faint brought us to the emergency room. Six hours later she was admitted. I relaxed because they would take care of her and get her better.

They want me to stay until 11PM. I guess because of her condition someone needs to stay with her. So here I am looking forward to Thursday the day she moves into the assisted living facility.

I started this year counting the Caturdays and now there are only a few more left. Stella says hello this Caturday.

It’s done. I have chosen a facility and have the date written down. My mom leaves this home in six days. Much to prepare and pack. Everything feels difficult and cold. How can I get through it?

She sat in the kitchen. I heated up some leftover coffee. She was cold. I was stern with her and I felt bad.

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know you can’t help it. It’s this stupid disease and I’m sorry.” As I hugged her. She didn’t understand. She had already forgotten what had happened less than an hour ago. She said nothing.

We steam cleaned her carpet until nearly 10PM.

The paperwork is mostly in for the assisted living facility we have chosen. The doctor’s appointment is scheduled for a TB test and physical. But the medical record paper work is already done. I will drop it off at the facility and then… and then? Then it’s nearly time to place her. Things are suddenly happening really fast.

My sister decided to pick up mom up tonight. She txted me to say she had two accidents – urine. that’s never happened before other than the one night but never when she was awake conscious.

Stomach hurts, knotted. Now I want her to be placed now. tonight tomorrow this weekend, soon! I really don’t want to deal with more messes to clean. everything hurts and just feels so fucked up and i’m really really scared and sad i feel everything and want everything to stop. my stomach is doing flips and i can’t even concentrate on anything rambling rambling things are just FUCKED

And said the words – ‘I am ready to place my mother at (memory care assisted living facility).’

Whatever this mass of fragmented something was suctioned pulled and plunged out from the bathroom sink. Makes me think some War of the Worlds ships lightning striked an alien down my drain and it had remained dormant until we pried it out with clumps of cat litter. The cat litter falls off Stella’s feet as she drinks from the faucet. She doesn’t have copious amounts of litter on her paws it’s that thing where one piece falls down the drain and become a clay like substance blockage. The entire Sunday gone in the power room.

Occasionally if I leave her alone in the kitchen or she thinks she is alone I hear her talk to herself in a very whispery voice. I will watch her and she will stare at the floor and say “What is that?” She will stare at it or pick it up and I will find it in the garbage later. It’s a cat toy.

My anti-depressants were upped. Perhaps this allows a somewhat settledness about life. Or rather temporary. I love my mom. Perhaps if I think of why I am still caring for her non-stop from 2006-present I might say I’m trying to get to know the new mom. I probably know her better than the old mom. A few years ago my oldest niece said “I can’t remember Grandma the way she used to be.” I said “Don’t say that!” and I think I scared my niece but the truth is at this point I feel as though I cannot remember her either. When I scroll through photos, then I realize how different she is.

Damn this disease. I often think of having children and she will never hold them or help me at four in the morning when I have a question. When I came to this realization I cried. I haven’t cried about it since.

Humor is how I take care of mom. I wish I could say to whomever takes care of her to laugh with her. It really makes her so much easier to take care of. When I wake up in the morning and go in her room to see if she’s awake, I start joking with her immediately. I sing songs to make things manageable. Maybe I do this to distract her.

We act insane. When I put the shampoo in her head I say “scrubba scrubba.” And lately she has started to sing in the shower – “La lull la laaaa… lull lull laaaa” It’s something she has done on her own. I sing “crotch and bottom!” when it’s time to wash those parts. I call arms- ahims, legs – lugs.

When she removes her bra and gets into her pajamas I encourage her to throw her bra across the room. It’s fun for all of us.

Onion rings substituted for ninety-nine cents.

Crayons with crumbs.

And one crazy cookie to round things off.

Is caring for mom my only purpose right now and if this is so I know I need something else in my life a baby a career would fulfill those feelings. Caring for mom is entertainment for me. I feel as though I’m keeping her spirit alive. Am I wrong? I wish I could ask someone this. Even though my mom is so confused and wears depends and when she wipes her bottom with the adult wipes she has a big smudge of poop on the wipe and then some poop falls to the floor which she will step in on her way to the shower then feeling something on the bottom of her foot she will aggressively wipe her foot on the tiled bathroom floor smudging the poop. She will take the adult wipes away from me, or, rather snatching them away from my fingers, annoyed with me and the tiredness and the grogginess one feels in the morning when everyone begs for just one more hour of rest. After she wipes she will become confused where the actual toilet opening is and will throw the poopy wipe onto the floor next to the toilet. I get upset but it’s not worth saying anything because in the morning hours when one is just waking up they will not understand what you are saying to them and the only response you will get if you point out their mistake is “What?”

This is everyday.





The person I share my bed with asked what I thought about her working on the weekends and I just about threw a tantrum because those are the only days I do not have to give mom a shower and deal with the wiping wipes. But I didn’t say much except that I don’t like the idea.

Driving home with mom on Wednesday evenings I recently found Josh Wink’s Profound Sounds on SiriusXM 52. We listen to the beats, mixes, sounds of the mixes and she laughs at them. I laugh with her because she asks “What are they saying?” Today she said it sounded like “get in” over and over again when the beat hit. This was entertaining for me. In fact I drove slow just to listen to the music and hear her responses to the music. My heart breaks and aches when those evenings will be over.





So I’m always asking “Why am I prolonging the inevitable? Why can’t I let go of her? Why can’t I relinquish control of her to professionals?” I have a right to a life. The life I am living right now is consumed with mom. I do all for her. Is it my fear of the necessity of a job? Is it the fact I have to leave my puppy at home alone while I leave for 9 hours or more a day? I hate thinking of her alone and home.

The person whom I sleep next to stopped attending classes because of my mom. I fear the worst. Is it so wrong I want her to have a decent job with decent benefits eventually? I hope and wish someday someday will come and we can have a comfortable life. Often I think of other people who I was attracted to and who have degrees and how much easier it must be for her to live in a dual career household. I can’t even picture her face anymore but I do fantasize about being with someone who has a decent job and where I do not have to have the sole responsibility of the majority income.

I have started to let go of other beliefs and responsibilities to get through the care of mom. I do not exercise I do not eat normal food. I do not talk to my friends and even if they text me and invite me somewhere I decline. I have given up the social networking site and moved on to Tumblr and Twitter. I’m kinda feeling fairly good about these accomplishments. I digress (hate when people say this)





Here I am. I am living in the home I grew up in, not caring about it – decorating, hanging things on the wall, organizing furniture to maximum potential, leaving the lawn grow long, leaving things to what they may be. I just don’t care anymore. And I do not care that in two weeks is Thanksgiving. I am refusing invitations to my aunt’s and my sister’s. I just don’t feel it. I don’t want to go. Is this a good enough excuse? It may very well be the last Thanksgiving with mother. Or anyone. But I just can’t get over feeling like I don’t want to celebrate anything or acknowledge it’s even a holiday. People aren’t understanding my reasoning. You can’t make me.

My little baby.

She’s just a little baby. (62.5 lbs.)

Precious puppy gets spayed tomorrow.

‘Had a really awesome weekend. Watched lots of movies, caught up on laundry, and finally accomplished some self preservation. Now I’m watching Dexter and loathing the first week of darkness in another fall season.’ — An Oak Tree

Read this on a Blog today:

In economic news, new census data shows nearly one in 15 Americans—more than 20 million people—are now so poor they live at least 50 percent below the official poverty level. The figure is the highest ever recorded. Forty states and the District of Columbia have had increases in the poorest of the poor since 2007. The District of Columbia ranked highest, followed by Mississippi and New Mexico.
And typically, when people size up the economy in the DC-Metro area as a whole (here we bring in Northern Virginia and adjacent counties in Maryland), you find that it’s the nation’s richest metropolitan area and boasts one of the nation’s lowest unemployment rates. Lotta concentrated income disparity in the Imperial City, is what I’m saying. Should be readily apparent to everyone who has a hand at the tiller or policymaking. But ignorance is a bliss served nightly at Charlie Palmer’s.

After I read this I went spinning out of control about getting a job and living somewhere else or getting an adequate job and not moving. Life goes on on this Caturday.

A lot of gas and mileage used up today. We are dealing with a very mobile society in these parts of the united states and vehicles are the only mode of transport. Right now I am playing chauffeur. I don’t mind. Today I ate large amounts of superamerica doughnuts. Thinking about them late at night drives my body into a feeling of necessity. Then I went into a sugar coma. I awoke with a slight amount of time to spare before I left the house in my boxer briefs, extra long track pants, waffle long sleeve shirt and old flip flops. We headed towards a lunch spot. But a call was made to the Vet due to Pip’s constant squatting while being outside without leaving urine. Also the puddle of urine she often leaves behind inside. Luckily we had thirty minutes before the appointment. I ended up in the doctors office in my pajamas and flipflops with socks. I became hot while in the office and needed to remove my men’s winter coat. No concealing my slothy appearance now. Pip weighs 62.something pounds. She fears the vet already and hides when the doc comes in. She warms up while we wait and she gets cookies and treats. Good Girl! We ate lunch together. I chauffeured back to a nearby town.

There wasn’t much time left of the day before I picked up my mother from daycare while wearing my stale pajamas. I attempted to visit with my nieces and they were unavailable. So I let Pip play with my four legged niece Macy. Pip knows which street her BDFF lives on and sighs when she looks down it while we pass by and don’t turn down the street. She’s a smart dog. She places her left front paw on my chest as I drive and she stands on the console. Her fur has become longer and lighter. I have to say she is so pretty. As if I had any doubts she really is growing on me. My protector. I caught up with my sister over a cup of coffee with my youngest niece and then two stepnephews hovered over me when I arrived home. Goofy kids. Mom and I left shortly after only to give mom something for dinner and I drove back to the town I just returned from to pick up a loved one.

One of the sweetest stray kitties came for a bite to eat tonight. Treat or Toot allowed me to pet and even slightly hold her against me. But then she toots because she is startled. I wish I could bring her inside. She was cold tonight and I wished for her to be warm and snuggly. My eye caught the sky after the sun set and I reminded myself in a few days the sun will set earlier signaling the darkest time of year. But I ignore this reality and enjoyed the orange red sky of an autumn evening in the rear view mirror.

Thunder and lightning woke me up setting the tone for the day. I tried to be optimistic but others dragged me down. I realized I have a life to live after a talking session. I realized how much I hate my keyboarding teacher for instructing us to place two spaces between sentences. Yuck. It’s wrong apparently. Hard habit to break.

I thought about a job I found on Craigslist as a social media content provider. Telecommute. Only part time. It rains hard tonight and the puppy squats for urinating. Nothing comes out. She whines to go out. She peed on the floor. I fall asleep peaceful without worries of mother while she is with my sister. I napped too long and I may have trouble falling asleep. The leaves remain high above the ground grasping to a branch. They don’t want to let go.

“everything is so nice.” she just came in the kitchen to tell me this and I have no idea what she is TALKING about. I am guessing she means her clean clothes? She hasn’t ever said that before. I don’t understand why she would say such a thing. It’s not my mother – but she’s being so sincere. Which makes it so much worse.

Someone says she’s so compliant and then I wonder well what’s wrong with me that I cannot take care of her. Is it really dementia they once said? Ugh…. I GUESS?? All this is fucking up my head today. I saw the admissions director for the place where my mom’s friend died last week on the way upstairs to the caregiver meeting. She called later in the day to inform me the check I wrote to hold her place in line was declined. Then she asked again why I didn’t want to place my mother yet. I don’t know. I guess I’m just not ready. I told her about the lucidness and I know it won’t last. We’re still looking at facilities, and making decisions. I couldn’t think of anything else to tell her. As I sit here thinking I wonder if everything I’m deciding about is right. Problems with this place – once mom is out of money she’d have to move out or apply for funding through the state which isn’t a guarantee she’d get. It’s far away. Not convenient to anyone. There doesn’t appear to be a program but I guess it’s better than some other places. So I need to write another check to cash – I am confused why they would cash it now.

We are so broke. The person I share my bed with’s car has broken and needs repairs that may cost up to three thousand or more. My car needs an oil change hardly anything to worry about.

Since mom has taken a turn for the worst especially when there is a large smudge of poop in between her butt cheeks frequently I have never felt more ready than I do to have children. This is the most bizarre thing. My ovaries are requesting attention or wondering why they are still sitting there doing the usual. I haven’t looked into anything in regards to this but I feel almost a desperation.

Pip keeps peeing while sleeping – what does that mean? It happened today while she was on the gold chair. a big puddle. Then more on the floor while she cleaned her fur from sitting in it in the gold chair. she gets fixed next week. The vet said she’d take a look at the bladder to make sure things were ok.

I want a membership to costco but that costs fifty dollars to one hundred. We already are addicted to Sam’s club (hate) and Amazon prime (love). Their quality is much better there and I’m anxious to see their organic products.

I haven’t eaten a single healthy thing for many many weeks. I can hardly get my pants buttoned. It feels like just last week I was making shortbread candy bars and starting my demise into the bermuda triangle of holidays – halloween, thanksgiving, xmas. Here I am a year later not sure of how I got here but regardless I’m back up one hundred plus pounds. I cannot have anything in my life to complicate matters.

I tried to volunteer as a webmaster for a art program and one meeting with the group and I was pumped but I had to cancel the next meeting. I could not bring myself to go.

The Christmas music starts at 11PM tonight on my most favorite music channel on music choice – Sounds of the Season. I am listening to the last of Witch doctor, Gothic Girl, Monster Mash, Poltergeist theme, The Shape Stalks, Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman, oh so many others. Vampires by Christopher Lee is my favorite. I heard it last year for the very first time. It didn’t disappoint this year.

Today I ate cookies, chocolate pop tarts, Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries, and a medium (huge) coke. It all tasted weird to me so I gulped down some soda but threw away a few fries after they tasted bitter. All bad.

Another major point my beloved caregiver group facilitator whom I love discussed is the fact of health problems and issues. She has high blood pressure stemming from many years ago while she was in a very stressful situation. I always allow myself to say – yea well I’m thirty whatever and i’m young and I’m inconvincible. not true. my ovaries aren’t going to stay fruitful and ripe forever. this scares me. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to lose my opportunity to have a baby because of her.

Plagued by bloody noses I now have a sinus problem that is giving me terrible headaches. This doesn’t have anything to do with my sore jaw from clinching my teeth.

When I laid down for a nap today I immediately fell asleep even though my stomach hurt. Car problems, picking up, driving, picking up food, dropping off people, small short rest. I’m not drinking enough water either.

I bought prune juice, cranberry juice, cinnamon raisin bagels, half n half, organic half gallon of milk, and two containers of center cut bacon (so damn fucking good), a dozen organic eggs. So I’ll be set for breakfast for this week. Bacon, egg, cheese bagel sandwiches my so very favorite breakfast. Paired with a chocolate frosted honeymooner donut. What more could someone who can’t be bothered about their health ask for? Only that typing what I just typed makes me superstitious and I do care, I’m afraid not to.

For the first day of November I cried, became surprized once again at the darkness of morning and felt sad when I saw the Christmas trees go up this morning.

In this picture we see Freddy Kruger and Jason with three red Cardinals signaling the beginning of the festive season on October 31st. Happy Hallochristmas

I’m getting tired of myself typing about alzheimer disease and my mother but it’s such a major part of my life right now. Today I dealt with a phone call from the assisted living facility again speaking of a newly open room. Heartbreaking because of the recent death of my friend from the caregiver’s group, that’s the room now open. I called back to say not yet. And I don’t know if it’s the right thing TO say. Then I think of all the what ifs. And what thens. Then I found a long coarse piece of fur belonging to Meg’s tail and I haven’t recovered. MissUmyblackdog

I received some very sad news in regards to a sort of friend of my mothers from the adultdaycenter. They always laughed together and had fun. She was just about sixty or a bit older and she died today. Her dementia was quite advanced even though it was early onset. She died quickly from a fall. Apparently peacefully.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean it was the nursing homes fault because I have my mom on that waiting list. Everything becomes so complicated so fast.

On the nursing home trail to hell I spotted these creepy legs hanging out. Six more days till Halloween.

My most favorite holiday is only days away and I can’t bring myself to bring out the scary orange symbolizing autumn and black symbolizing darkness decorations. And if I hear ‘Witch Doctor’ one more time I’m pulling my fingernails out. Oo ee oo ah ah bing bing wada lata bing bang — Stella

We like to rock the Southern exposure.
–Pip and Stella

I have been spending an inordinate amount of new time alone. I have to admit it probably didn’t help me forget that dream the other night. Luckily I wised up and brought myself to stop seeing one person everytime I shut my eyes. Annoyyyyyying!

I like the time alone. But at night I do get lonely and night comes early as the springtime of death arrived last month. But I like the aloneness more. So I decided to take a long grooming shower and bath trimming shaving plucking everything in sight and surprizingly I felt absolved, forgiven, annulled, and void, and made of no effect after I dried off. Later I accomplished some hard personal work after an hour and even that made me feel decent.

So I’m surviving. Met a friend from my caregiver group at a local nursing home. The tour went on and on and on and on for over one hour. I stood with my winter eddiebauerwoodspliter men’s coat and felt queazy and a bit faintish from warmth. I like the place despite the very small rooms with shared bathrooms. It really has a nice memory program. I ate Oreo pb cookies drank milk and wondered. I ate generic nacho chips with hellava dip. I drank a bottle of mt dew. I took a nap. I struggled from a headache. I watched many episodes of arrested development and laughed. I ended my evening alone with king of the hill.

High school doesn’t matter I tell myself but I am so ashamed at how I acted __ years ago. I don’t know why this happens to me but I don’t remember my dreams much lately. The one I have involved a horrible incident caused by me. The dream revolved around the person whom I felt very strong emotions I had never felt. These incriminating feelings caused major drama to happen. I have let go even though I cringe and feel those humiliating crisis deep down around this part of the year. The dream haunts my day popping up and making me feel bliss but then shame. I feel disgraceful to enjoy these dreams but I do. This individual I possessed with a foolish or unreasoning passion liked me. To be accepted and liked. Isn’t that what everyone strives for? Well I felt elated to feel chosen favorably. And that’s what sticks all day. That feeling….

The request to smell an exposed neck. Beckoning me close. These dreams I do not have very often cause an overpowering mental exaggerated state of mania that feels perfect. If I awake (which I of course do) I crave that feeling and for the dream to continue! But all things come to an end. I have become thankful these dreams come occasionally because it causes a fury of emotions to tumble violently within me. With the wildly ubiquitous omnipresent social network I can seek information to soothe my qualms. But I have to limit myself because I could fall so very easily into those very prominent sensations begging to rear their heads. So it’s just as well I surreptitiously look sneak stalk once every few years even though I ooze smarminess. It overwhelms me with the nuisance of horror.

I have wiped my mom’s bottom two times since she arrived home two days ago. That’s two times more than I have EVER wiped someone else’s ass. I don’t want to wipe anyone’s ass but my own. The adult day facilitators expressed their concerns and I didn’t want to go through another night of painful bathroom use. So after a Marie Calender we headed to the ER.

Turns out Mom was impacted. I luckily didn’t have to stay for the procedure of cleaning her out or the enemas. I still had my bout of anxiety induced accelerated digestion before we left. I hate the emergency room. In fact a man came into the waiting area having a pulmonary thrombosis. It’s never a pleasant experience. But mom was helped and I didn’t need to help.

The first obstacle involved my aunt who found the respite care puzzling and didn’t quite understand why or maybe worried in general. I was bothered by this.

But we went away for a night because we could without worry. I had forgotten.

A phone call from the respite care nurse mentioned a near fainting spell. I feared she might have to come home but this was not the case. Unseasonable warm temperatures in the adult day center kitchen was to blame.

There was one bathroom accident but didn’t sound bad.

Luckily my sister picked up mom an packed her up. Mom stayed at my sisters for awhile. Hugging my mom when she arrived home she stunk like a nursing home resident. Unwashed, hair greasy, even a little poopy. Her breath was terrible as if she hadn’t brushed her teeth for ten days. She seemed a little weak and shaky. She went to bed before ten.

Yesterday we began cleaning and readying for a visitor. It was after one and I went into moms room to see if she was ready to get up. The smell hit me and I stepped back genuinely terrified. The smell was wretched and vile. I knew that smell: feces urine nursing home.

I started to cry. I was so scared to go into the room. I was afraid of what I’d see. It took me nearly another hour before I could gather up the courage to get her up.

Her entire body was covered with urine. The sheets were soaked. I covered my nose and mouth crying and asked her gently to remove her clothes. I had her use baby wipes to remove the poop. As she removed her clothes it fell onto the floor. She was completely oblivious.

After her shower she still didn’t smell right to me. She had breakfast / lunch, pills, coffee and then she sat outside for the duration of the day.

It took the entire day to clean. The so called waterproof mattress protector didn’t protect and my sigother called into work to help clean. The steam cleaner seemed to suck some of the urine out of the mattress. That part of the house suddenly stunk like a nursing home. Just like that. The comforter, sheets, blanket, pajamas, and carpet had to be washed.

Mom had to use the restroom. I went in there with her and waited. Then I did something I couldn’t think about because I never thought I would actually do it. I put on surgical gloves and wiped my mother’s bottom.

Later in the day I did it again.

She seemed uncomfortable. She winced in pain no matter how gentle I worked. Maybe constipation? She couldn’t answer.

I made desperate phone calls. I cried to my sister. I cried to my aunt. I confessed my need for antidepressants to Grandma. I felt so weak and powerless. I had trouble falling asleep and wished a nurse or a comedian could help me get through this.

‘So agreeable. So passive. Gets along very well with the staff.’

I cried afterwards. I don’t know why. I went outside with Pip to feel the incredible warmth of an Autumn day uncharacteristic of this time of year. I sat down. My back protested again. I thought of all the things I wanted to do such as vacuum. I thought how I didn’t really think of her over the last day. The first day I haven’t thought of her.

Tears. Then the irritating sound of a leaf blower. Are you kidding me. I’m having a MOMENT! but I guess that is what was needed to snap me back into reality.

I don’t know why I was crying. I felt the need to be in bed all day. I felt really sad about mom. I felt really guilty about leaving her there. Please don’t tell me how great she is. I already know and feel as though maybe I have no need to complain. Maybe I have no need to place my mom. They might not know they DON’T know what we go through.

I guess she does not compare to other patients with AD. I’m happy she did well. Perhaps I’m sad she isn’t as happy here. Perhaps I am sad she will be home in three days.

I haven’t been able to adapt well. I guess. The feeling of not having her around is lonely. But at the same time feels normal. Her being isn’t here. and isn’t here when her physical body is here.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m unable to finish a project without her there with me. But she’s not really there!

Autumn in Northern Wisconsin. Cranberry fields almost ripe for collecting. Cranes readying for flight and focusing on love and living.

It was a difficult night but Mom is safe and I am away from her. It was hard to leave her but here I am in Sparta Wisconsin unsure of everything except sleep.

I haven’t thought about my insurance enough. I’ve been part of the general population of downtrodden and displaced. A NSFW individual. Over four hundred dollars paid monthly well over a year with the benefits of piece of mind and those magical pills for the melancholy downtrodden. While away on “vaycay” I received a piece of paper enveloped in an envelope informing me of September twenty eighth twenty eleven my last coverage date. Since the NSFW money ran out many months ago I have had a hard time paying the well over four hundred dollars to keep this coverage. So I have decided to forego the safety of coverage.

I sat down on the couch. I remember when she brought the couch into her room. There were only mildly comfortable formal cushioned chairs wooshing air out of them as my ass released my weight. I sat on the couch. We started out as usual. I started going into my phone calls.



What’s really great about having a professional listener for nearly four years is one cannot hide from their observations because they seemingly quote on quote know you. Or at least this is my experience. So she noticed a change in my demeanor, stance, posture, hand position on the fast food chain coffee with two creams she diligently buys every week for me. I don’t notice this about myself until she says something about it.



Three weeks ago I began taking a tiny half round mass of solid medicine to be swallowed whole psychoactive drug. A small possibility of it working well enough after such a short time makes me squinty in disbelief. But my brain rehibilitator believes it to be true.



Shortly after she wanted to discuss my insurance. “I will continue to see you after your insurance runs out for the cost of your copay.” I began to cry. The gesture was pure. I only could hear in my head ‘blessed’ I’m not religious. “I’m going to cry. It’s so nice of you” and as if on cure I did cry. I felt so lucky. so undeserving. But she really meant it and said “I’ve never done this for anyone else.” She explained, tearing up herself about how she wants to see me through this. Despite the time that has passed since our session I can’t even remember what she all said at that moment.



Driving home I didn’t know anything. I backed out of the parking lot, Pip in the back seat, windows down, and didn’t know anything until five and a half miles later. I realized I was clinching my hand against my knee and constraining the steering wheel without knowing how I got there. I felt so tense but nearly floating as if I’d been asleep the whole time. How do these things happen? I felt as though I’d been in a trance and didn’t even know how I got five and a half miles down the road. I drove the rest of the way home trying to comprehend anything on the radio or on the road. Nothing sunk in. Rohypnol.



Before I left I hugged her. I said thank you again. She gives these amazing hugs conjuring a feeling of ‘all okay’ ‘everything will be alright’ and a sense of stability realness, I guess love. I felt like any second she may kiss my cheek. I could almost feel her face sliding from my face to peck my cheek. I mean I feel very uncomfortable but loved at the same time. My toes are knotted intensively. She does that well. Like a mom.

Today I felt more human. Cleaned windows, went to doctor, showered mother all before noon. I had Mom put on Depends today. Heartbreaking. Luckily she did not notice. Or didn’t at the time. I’m pretty sad about it as it is another sign of decline. But no crying. It was a good day.

Another anti-depressant added. Placebo effect today.

Went to nieces birthday party. 15. She was only 4 just the other day. Now a freshman.

Received annoying plans for the Saturday of the Memory Walk. Not as many people joining me as suspected. Now I have to make phone calls to others reclaiming their Saturday morning as their own.

Annoyed by eating I vow to attend weight watchers tomorrow morning no matter what. There are pants to fit into and healthiness to abide by.

On vacation, many things were damaged or ruined. I also realized I’m not too sure I want to ever spend a week or more with my family in a tiny two bedroom no shower cabin. I thought about how strange to spend my vacation with my aunt uncle father stepmom niece mother and sister while trying to grasp some sense of normalcy with the person I share my bed with. I kept saying to myself “this is ridiculous.” I’m not on vacation. There wasn’t one second of relaxation when my mother has been left alone standing looking around, frozen unsure of anything. It’s enough I thought. This has no resemblance of any vacation ever.

I mean you can’t have relations with your parents next to you. However it was completely free. One good thing about spending vacations with senior family members. Scotch with soda helped.

Look, the day started off phenomenal. After a vigorous swim I became lethargic and dizzy. Massive calories were consumed of pizza. Only a small amount of time gave Pip enough time to rip up the cottage’s newly installed carpet.

I see installing carpet and taking beds apart in my future. Suddenly vacation has turned into a big sour disappointment and all I’d like to do is run away home. And cry.

I’m not alone in this world. Many others live beneath me. I’m thankful there are only moderate winters and only __ days until I get to migrate to the ground. Things are good around the bog.
- best frog friend forever

Unsure of anything my vacation moves on.

While waiting for others to wake we passed the time by drinking copious amount of coffee with heavy whipping cream.

Then suddenly we had to move fast and take a boat ride. We hit rocks it was a disappointment for some. We carried on.

Lunch of chicken paprika, fried potatoes. We all took a rest afterward.

A long guilty shower with scrubbing and suds. A cafe closed without warning and served a scaled cup of punch in the face. I ate tiramisu. Bait, suckers, dark chocolate, gasoline from the world’s worst company.

Dinner of grilled filet bass and perch with many bones. I found it rather decent despite scales, bones, skin and the thought of eating fish.

The day climax with thoughts of raunchy ruckus ravenous frenzied events.

My Dad doesn’t know how to care for my mother. So I am schooling him on this and scolding him. Left for few hours to shop and find wifi. He never fed her lunch. Frustrated.

I ended up crying. Dirty dishes everywhere. Cleanup is essential for no craziness to occur.

Played games with niece and laughed. But yelled at her. At least I wasn’t as bad as the woman in the Payless wearing Hodag socks.

We are so bland I thought. The tears were for many things and hard to stop. Somehow I gained strength from the pines and view to carry on

Went fishing with minnows as bait. Caught Perch.

Even though I can’t go to the Atlantic coast, I can still sort of walk along the beach here.

I don’t think one is supposed to remain exhausted from vaycay but as I lay I feel as if I’m still rocking on the boat. Pipi doesn’t care.

Where I’m going for ten! (10) days it’s best to B.Y.O.W. Bring your own water.

Or else.

There is a fresh water spring I had heard of. A dog scampered by eating something out of a container laying on the side of the road.

Flowing from a pipe I filled up the bottles. The water was very cold. And free.

Everyone went home happy.

Somuchforavaycay

Although that’s what I’m calling it… a vaycay. I will be LIVE BLOGGING on Twitter so follow me there if you wish. Otherwise, since the internet is unreliable there I don’t know if I’ll be here.

who cares?

My temporary medications to make things “normal” in my life aren’t working due to the day I spent crying in bed. So I called my psychopharmacologist and told her I’d forego my physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation. But she instead said I can offer ANTIpsychotic medication. This sounds pleasant. I declined and said maybe the vaycay will help and I’ll see you in two weeks. It was a fabulous odd conversation.






Then I went to my magical doctor. Otherwise known as the chiropractor. I had bad back pain at the rate of about a 6 making it hard to sleep due to painting the hallway and my body NOT being used to physical activity of any kind. I felt pretty bad for about a week. He used the magical machine placing a plastic pointed non sharp clickable pen behind my ear and one boink I don’t even feel and I’m fixed. My neck was out of whack. Within five hours my back pain was completely gone. If I would have known it was that easy I would have been going forever ago. I am so grateful for this relatively happy moment in my day.






The chiro reminded me the last time he saw me was on April 25. I didn’t let him know that my dog was waiting in the car for me that day, and she would be dead five days later. I tried not to think of this when I arrived in the parking lot and didn’t…. until he mentioned this. tears

I dreaded another day with mom. But then she hugged me and said ‘I love my baby’ which I savored. With tears.

I cut and painted her toenails. I played with Pip. Puppies dominate by grabbing a limb and acting as though they are mating. Even females. It’s funny.

Made salad. Ate it. Admired my paint job in the hallway.

My back aches and I am worried about painting the ceiling.

I ate Kudos and drank a sip of Coca-Cola a product of America made in America. It possible must be the best drink.

Cryover. Like hangover but with tears.

I want to paint. I want to feel like a normal human being. Things were said weren’t what I meant. Blaming others for my anger when it’s meant for others isn’t right. But now the day is over and it’s another summer day spoilt by anger.

The day began with disappointing news after working extra hard to accrue points later.

I had a difficult time dealing with conflicts and emotional eating occurred. My punishment for the eating came in the form of anger from someone very close and locking my vehicle while the keys remained within.

But then as the sun disappeared behind thick puffy clouds I found myself happily petting dogs and speaking with owners. I spotted a full grown Dudley Lab!

I guess I never noticed dudley labs before.

Then a dudley male puppy four months old gave chase.

Watching them roll around, trip and scamper made all other problems float away.

I was no longer aware of any sadness or rage inside.

It’s amazing how quickly my mood can change.

Boredom.

‘dullness fails to provide enough stimulation to distract people from some other, deeper pain that is always there.’

‘the things i can remember now seem mostly pointless’

That caused a temporary loss of breathing and excessive eye lubrication.

I brought out your bed because Pip needs a bed too. She sleeps in her house (crate) on towels and an old blanket. I guess she’s old enough to graduate to an adult bed but none of this makes it any easier.

I’ve had to speak to myself and tell myself, Pip is not you as hard as this is for me to believe.

I miss you everyday. I cry almost everyday for you. You were my one and only black dog.

But for now I hope you agree for Pip to use your bed for now.

Pip tasted her first rawhide the other night. She’s becoming a very well behaved pup.

MissU <3 U forever my black dog

I wish I didn’t have to do this alone.

I wish there was someone to HOLD MY HAND as I do this.

I wish there was someone to drive me and help me ask the right questions.

If only there was someone to show me this is the correct thing to DO!

If only I didn’t care and had no feelings of sadness.

I wish I could see ahead in the future and know these choices I am making are the right ones.

I wish I didn’t have regrets. I wish I didn’t have to make these choices for her. If only I knew it was the right one. I feel so sad. If there was just something that could show me I am doing the right thing.

For now, I’ll have a 4 month old Pip with me doing the best she can do to sit in the back and breathe the cool late summer air and wonder where we are going. I feel so lost, so empty so sad. If only if only.

A general feeling of crummy began to rear its head as I ate my way through the grieving process. It took that feeling of crummy and even sickness to relapse into a healthy living and actually acting as a member of society.

Although I knew it would be hard.

I am uncertain of anything most likely myself. I can’t really rely on myself to keep myself on track. I know after several days of eating like a normal person I will feel better and quite possibly be strong enough to ward off new cravings.

Will my body remember when I down my seventh pound of celery. Exhaustion takes over and I don’t want to remember any more.

The meeting started at ten and after we dropped off Stella for her teeth extractions we had a lot of time to kill. We stopped at my friend’s house and petted her enormous black lab that barked at us for no reason other than to show off. I fell instantly in love with her when I stopped by her house during a crying fit a few weeks ago.

I am seated across from my Mother where I’ve sat for nearly 25 years. She never said goodbye I thought. Maybe all the years she spent making curtains, clothes, sweets, bag lunches, breakfasts, and suppers was her goodbye. They have turned into memories of her life.