The last Sunday my mother will be home. Unfortunately she passed out while blow drying her hair. The constipation, UTI, and feeling faint brought us to the emergency room. Six hours later she was admitted. I relaxed because they would take care of her and get her better.
They want me to stay until 11PM. I guess because of her condition someone needs to stay with her. So here I am looking forward to Thursday the day she moves into the assisted living facility.
Today has been such a mind fuck. There isn’t another way to describe it. First it’s balmy outside, well almost…. This is screwy since it’s November fucking first. For some reason the last few weeks mom has been so lucid it’s bizarre. Calling things by their proper names, forming sentences, happy, laughing. It’s all a big mind fuck since it won’t last and she isn’t supposed to get better it’s all down hill. I went to my caregiver group where I cried which embarrasses me. I was actually exhausted driving home from the meeting. So many questions and what ifs there are the several ladies in the same boat wondering if we are doing the right thing or choosing the right place. I have kinda made my decision that I want her to go to this one place close by. Especially after hearing someone talk it up in the meeting this morning. The facilitator I love so much. She is so dear to me and all the group members. And I just feel so loved by all when we talk about what we’re going through. It just hurts so much. I hate having to think of my mother going to a place like a nursing home. This disease is not fair. I guess it ended up being a big pep talk. I spoke up a few times and wondered about if someone’s loved one progresses rapidly once they place them. Some agreed some didn’t. I felt so sad. The facilitator whom I love, began to speak of my mother and would she want me to suffer like this and push myself to these limits? No. But she’s not my mom anymore. So why am I taking care of her – she’s like a stranger. A stranger but yet there are those tiny glimpses of her that are familiar. But they go away so quickly. I guess I know the stranger better.
“everything is so nice.” she just came in the kitchen to tell me this and I have no idea what she is TALKING about. I am guessing she means her clean clothes? She hasn’t ever said that before. I don’t understand why she would say such a thing. It’s not my mother – but she’s being so sincere. Which makes it so much worse.
Someone says she’s so compliant and then I wonder well what’s wrong with me that I cannot take care of her. Is it really dementia they once said? Ugh…. I GUESS?? All this is fucking up my head today. I saw the admissions director for the place where my mom’s friend died last week on the way upstairs to the caregiver meeting. She called later in the day to inform me the check I wrote to hold her place in line was declined. Then she asked again why I didn’t want to place my mother yet. I don’t know. I guess I’m just not ready. I told her about the lucidness and I know it won’t last. We’re still looking at facilities, and making decisions. I couldn’t think of anything else to tell her. As I sit here thinking I wonder if everything I’m deciding about is right. Problems with this place – once mom is out of money she’d have to move out or apply for funding through the state which isn’t a guarantee she’d get. It’s far away. Not convenient to anyone. There doesn’t appear to be a program but I guess it’s better than some other places. So I need to write another check to cash – I am confused why they would cash it now.
We are so broke. The person I share my bed with’s car has broken and needs repairs that may cost up to three thousand or more. My car needs an oil change hardly anything to worry about.
Since mom has taken a turn for the worst especially when there is a large smudge of poop in between her butt cheeks frequently I have never felt more ready than I do to have children. This is the most bizarre thing. My ovaries are requesting attention or wondering why they are still sitting there doing the usual. I haven’t looked into anything in regards to this but I feel almost a desperation.
Pip keeps peeing while sleeping – what does that mean? It happened today while she was on the gold chair. a big puddle. Then more on the floor while she cleaned her fur from sitting in it in the gold chair.
I want a membership to costco but that costs fifty dollars to one hundred. We already are addicted to Sam’s club (hate) and Amazon prime (love). Their quality is much better there and I’m anxious to see their organic products.
I haven’t eaten a single healthy thing for many many weeks. I can hardly get my pants buttoned. It feels like just last week I was making shortbread candy bars and starting my demise into the bermuda triangle of holidays – halloween, thanksgiving, xmas. Here I am a year later not sure of how I got here but regardless I’m back up one hundred plus pounds. I cannot have anything in my life to complicate matters.
I tried to volunteer as a webmaster for a art program and one meeting with the group and I was pumped but I had to cancel the next meeting. I could not bring myself to go.
The Christmas music starts at 11PM tonight on my most favorite music channel on music choice – Sounds of the Season. I am listening to the last of Witch doctor, Gothic Girl, Monster Mash, Poltergeist theme, The Shape Stalks, Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman, oh so many others. Vampires by Christopher Lee is my favorite. I heard it last year for the very first time. It didn’t disappoint this year.
Today I ate cookies, chocolate pop tarts, Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries, and a medium (huge) coke. It all tasted weird to me so I gulped down some soda but threw away a few fries after they tasted bitter. All bad.
Another major point my beloved caregiver group facilitator whom I love discussed is the fact of health problems and issues. She has high blood pressure stemming from many years ago while she was in a very stressful situation. I always allow myself to say – yea well I’m thirty whatever and i’m young and I’m inconvincible. not true. my ovaries aren’t going to stay fruitful and ripe forever. this scares me. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to lose my opportunity to have a baby because of her.
Plagued by bloody noses I now have a sinus problem that is giving me terrible headaches. This doesn’t have anything to do with my sore jaw from clinching my teeth.
When I laid down for a nap today I immediately fell asleep even though my stomach hurt. Car problems, picking up, driving, picking up food, dropping off people, small short rest. I’m not drinking enough water either.
I bought prune juice, cranberry juice, cinnamon raisin bagels, half n half, organic half gallon of milk, and two containers of center cut bacon (so damn fucking good), a dozen organic eggs. So I’ll be set for breakfast for this week. Bacon, egg, cheese bagel sandwiches my so very favorite breakfast. Paired with a chocolate frosted honeymooner donut. What more could someone who can’t be bothered about their health ask for? Only that typing what I just typed makes me superstitious and I do care, I’m afraid not to.
For the first day of November I cried, became surprized once again at the darkness of morning and felt sad when I saw the Christmas trees go up this morning.
This from someone who NEVER leaves the house….
I have that fear of leaving… But I know once I get there I’ll be fine. am I right ladies?
But these 10 days are going to be F I L L E D with mother fucking family. Which won’t be so bad…
Right? Oh god the anxiety, stress, tension. And all I want to do is _____ the person I share my bed with and this most likely will NOT be happening any time soon.
Somuchforavaycay
Although that’s what I’m calling it… a vaycay. I will be LIVE BLOGGING on Twitter so follow me there if you wish. Otherwise, since the internet is unreliable there I don’t know if I’ll be here.
who cares?
My temporary medications to make things “normal” in my life aren’t working due to the day I spent crying in bed. So I called my psychopharmacologist and told her I’d forego my physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation. But she instead said I can offer ANTIpsychotic medication. This sounds pleasant. I declined and said maybe the vaycay will help and I’ll see you in two weeks. It was a fabulous odd conversation.
Then I went to my magical doctor. Otherwise known as the chiropractor. I had bad back pain at the rate of about a 6 making it hard to sleep due to painting the hallway and my body NOT being used to physical activity of any kind. I felt pretty bad for about a week. He used the magical machine placing a plastic pointed non sharp clickable pen behind my ear and one boink I don’t even feel and I’m fixed. My neck was out of whack. Within five hours my back pain was completely gone. If I would have known it was that easy I would have been going forever ago. I am so grateful for this relatively happy moment in my day.
The chiro reminded me the last time he saw me was on April 25. I didn’t let him know that my dog was waiting in the car for me that day, and she would be dead five days later. I tried not to think of this when I arrived in the parking lot and didn’t…. until he mentioned this. tears
Things are noticeable worse and therefore due to tears and other maladies my eyes sting too much to read what I wrote. Temporary medications to ease malaise have been changed and this may be the cause of the issues or something.
I didn’t recover well from a family issue or rather conflict this morning. It left me in bed for the entire day. I heard each hour strike on the clock. I had both cats on the bed with me. We all know how cats like to “help” by ignoring your problems and walking all over your torso. Days are long but went by fast on one of the so called nicest days of the year I spent inside laying on my bed staring up at the fan. Pip would come in and say “heeeeeeeeyyyyy” but would walk out unsatisfied by my lack of attention. I heard my mother yell at her a few times but I couldn’t get up to check on what happened or if it was serious. Cry and cry. Apologizing to people I felt I wronged. Saying ‘I’m sorry over and over wasn’t curing it. Or making me stop crying. Check back later and see if I’d dried up and not quite yet. I managed to get up and take many headache remedies a never ending ache booming through my eyes and head. I wished the person I sleep next to at night was here. Phone calls emails nothing fixed the tears. I managed to make a some what healthy dinner of beans and tomatoes but wasn’t satisfied. Sometimes years go by and I don’t cry. Then it hits and I cannot be summoned to do anything. It’s embarrassing. It’s ridiculous. Nothing makes me stop. I wished for my mom. To make her make me feel better. A hug, a chest to lay my head on. Understanding. I thought the worst because I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. Ever again. Those forbidden feelings creep in. And thoughts of not seeing Pipi full grown didn’t sway me. I just want it all over. This scares me. Don’t want to feel that way again.
freaking out. card declined as i try and pay for new glasses. these feelings of malaise wont go away. heading up north for the weekend to ease my pains. vacay yay… but not really.
This is the day where:
I woke up on my stomach. Cue extreme lower back pain that takes my breath away.
Brew coffee. Mom and I look at Martha’s July issue to get ideas for dinner. I see many ideas and become excited. I really need a cup of coffee before I can der Start this Thursday.
Allow Pipi back into the house.
Remove her puppy collar to find the one summer collar of Meg’s I’m willing to allow her to use. I open the plastic container marked ‘Meg’s collars’ to find the brand new Autumn collar she never wore. Cue excessive eye lubrication and temporary loss of breathing.
I lay in my bed allowing Stella to console me or pet her. I look at the frameless (The person I share my bed with became so angry she slammed my Mother’s bedroom door and I heard shattering glass. The frame broke around this photo.) picture of Meg from her first trip to the beach laying on the sand. I gather a stack of Meg photos I keep on my night stand and the beach photo. I have become inspired to print digital photos and place them in frames.
I go to the basement but cannot remember why. Standing while looking around my eyes fixate on something. What is it? I realize it’s Meg’s duck we bought for Valentine’s day. I sit on the bed petting Nova and Stella allowing them to console me.
I start a load of towels and remember I came to the basement to get out meat to defrost. I take out a whole chicken. I take out some ground beef. I decide to make grandma’s chicken and clean out a bucket to soak it.
I go upstairs sniffling.
Both sides of the sink are full. There isn’t a place for the meat. Start dishes. See mom standing in kitchen. Give her pills, juice, Kefir, muesli, flax, blueberries. I make the same for myself. Wash dishes.
Become annoyed.
Wanted some time to read while sipping my coffee, I fantasize.
Time for shower. Mother nearly enters with clothes on. I correct her. Shampoo and condition. Washrag with soap. She’s rinsing.
Return to kitchen. Find Pip’s footprints from waterbowl to foyer to porch. I open the backdoor wider to find an enormous puddle of urine. I find Pipi without a collar and carry her outside. Excessive eye lubrication and loss of breathing becomes the norm. I wipe up some of the urine but some is between the door and step to go outside. It’s hidden within the cracks. It’s as close to being outside without being outside. I feel sad knowing I watched her drink a lot of water in the minutes I woke up. I should have been more vigilant.
Mopping. My glasses slide down my nose and mom is still in the shower. I wash my hands and stop the water. I hand her her towel. I find Nova smelling the bleach on the floor. Writhing…. I get out the floor mop. I spray bleach and water down the foyer into the porch. I mop. I blow my nose. I let tears drop to the damp floor.
Back to mom: I scratch her sunburn to show her where to rub in the lotion. She says ow. Loss of breathing. I grab underwear, bra, pants I guess. I realize I cannot deal with putting her deodorant away. In the sink it goes.
She’s dressed now. I have given her a Kleenex for her dripping nose. I put toothpaste on her electric tooth cleaner. A glob drips off. I spill Listerine.
I just have to get back to my bed where I can ___ in peace. with Stella and Nova. I slam doors but none of this satisfies. I take one moment. I hear an odd noise. Mother cannot find where the top to the Listerine goes. I enter the bathroom and her toothbrush is running even though she’s no longer in the bathroom. In her broken speech and frustration she says ‘that’s not my …. ‘
‘I know. I know. I will take the blame.’
I walk into the kitchen, sip my cold coffee. Find my breakfast near the backdoor. My cats are bleach junkies and have knocked over the mop in their attempts to roll and twist plaster the bleach on their fur. I finish my breakfast. I still do not have a place for the meat to defrost.
Grab my breakfast bowl and in my haste it drops into the sink shattering into a billion shards.
Vacuuming now. It seems to not pick up the glass well enough for tiny petite animal padded paws to walk on.
Meat will have to be cooked to unfreeze. I stir. I go back to desk. I come back to sip coffee an stir. I see Pipi walloping through the living room with a piece of cardboard. Except it’s not. It’s the photo of Meg’s first time at the beach. Now with teeth marks from a pup.
I go back to stir splashing grease on the stove. ‘GODFUCKINGDAMNIT’ is all I can utter. I try to get a grip and look up at the temporary unease, despondency, therapeutic regimens I recently abandoned.
I restrained myself and counted the days before my appointment.
I never finished my coffee.
An extremely generous person from the Caregiver’s Support group I faithfully attend twice a month invited the person I share my bed with, Pip, and me to swim, eat, and converse with her family and friends today. I declined.
Blame the aggravation of general malaise. I couldn’t explain to her the truth: We spend the 4th bellowing while watching A Capitol Fourth with Jimmy Smits on PBS.
I prefer to watch the national fireworks in the comforts of my living room, tissue box nearby, reliving the several times we watched them in person. >SOB<
missU D.C. missU stinky Potomac missU Iwo Jima Memorial 
One character flaw of my sister is she never complains about ailments. She went temporarily blind in one eye two times over the last month. She ignored it. Eventually she went to the doctor. An EKG, ultrasound of her heart and a myriad of other exams she decided to indulge me with the news.
Saying my sister is stressed is an understatement. This makes me stressed.
Her newly wed hubby seems thoughtful and caring. But things have worsened since he appeared. I have mostly ignored these matters. See therapist and minding my own business.
Then he took it upon himself to hurt our new puppy. Not sure why he did this. Yes Pip the pup was misbehaving. Biting. But we do not need a lesson in reprimanding her. I gave the person I share my bed with a wide eyed look which he saw.
To me I’d be overly cautious when dealing with my puppy since my Meg was abused by the man previously in my sister’s life.
But I suppose I got revenge when they drove home and hit a deer and basically totaled the car.
I became extremely exasperated to the point of tears and vowing never to set foot into my sister’s house, never to bring my baby pup there, I contemplated nasty txts to convey how much I wanted to bash skulls. But instead I moved on and felt better a tiny bit later.
So far so good without that extra capsule of happiness. Haven’t ripped anyone’s head off although my eyes still feel like they may fall out of my head and I’m so tired. Look like hell but these things are normal.