Today has been such a mind fuck. There isn’t another way to describe it. First it’s balmy outside, well almost…. This is screwy since it’s November fucking first. For some reason the last few weeks mom has been so lucid it’s bizarre. Calling things by their proper names, forming sentences, happy, laughing. It’s all a big mind fuck since it won’t last and she isn’t supposed to get better it’s all down hill. I went to my caregiver group where I cried which embarrasses me. I was actually exhausted driving home from the meeting. So many questions and what ifs there are the several ladies in the same boat wondering if we are doing the right thing or choosing the right place. I have kinda made my decision that I want her to go to this one place close by. Especially after hearing someone talk it up in the meeting this morning. The facilitator I love so much. She is so dear to me and all the group members. And I just feel so loved by all when we talk about what we’re going through. It just hurts so much. I hate having to think of my mother going to a place like a nursing home. This disease is not fair. I guess it ended up being a big pep talk. I spoke up a few times and wondered about if someone’s loved one progresses rapidly once they place them. Some agreed some didn’t. I felt so sad. The facilitator whom I love, began to speak of my mother and would she want me to suffer like this and push myself to these limits? No. But she’s not my mom anymore. So why am I taking care of her – she’s like a stranger. A stranger but yet there are those tiny glimpses of her that are familiar. But they go away so quickly. I guess I know the stranger better.

“everything is so nice.” she just came in the kitchen to tell me this and I have no idea what she is TALKING about. I am guessing she means her clean clothes? She hasn’t ever said that before. I don’t understand why she would say such a thing. It’s not my mother – but she’s being so sincere. Which makes it so much worse.

Someone says she’s so compliant and then I wonder well what’s wrong with me that I cannot take care of her. Is it really dementia they once said? Ugh…. I GUESS?? All this is fucking up my head today. I saw the admissions director for the place where my mom’s friend died last week on the way upstairs to the caregiver meeting. She called later in the day to inform me the check I wrote to hold her place in line was declined. Then she asked again why I didn’t want to place my mother yet. I don’t know. I guess I’m just not ready. I told her about the lucidness and I know it won’t last. We’re still looking at facilities, and making decisions. I couldn’t think of anything else to tell her. As I sit here thinking I wonder if everything I’m deciding about is right. Problems with this place – once mom is out of money she’d have to move out or apply for funding through the state which isn’t a guarantee she’d get. It’s far away. Not convenient to anyone. There doesn’t appear to be a program but I guess it’s better than some other places. So I need to write another check to cash – I am confused why they would cash it now.

We are so broke. The person I share my bed with’s car has broken and needs repairs that may cost up to three thousand or more. My car needs an oil change hardly anything to worry about.

Since mom has taken a turn for the worst especially when there is a large smudge of poop in between her butt cheeks frequently I have never felt more ready than I do to have children. This is the most bizarre thing. My ovaries are requesting attention or wondering why they are still sitting there doing the usual. I haven’t looked into anything in regards to this but I feel almost a desperation.

Pip keeps peeing while sleeping – what does that mean? It happened today while she was on the gold chair. a big puddle. Then more on the floor while she cleaned her fur from sitting in it in the gold chair. she gets fixed next week. The vet said she’d take a look at the bladder to make sure things were ok.

I want a membership to costco but that costs fifty dollars to one hundred. We already are addicted to Sam’s club (hate) and Amazon prime (love). Their quality is much better there and I’m anxious to see their organic products.

I haven’t eaten a single healthy thing for many many weeks. I can hardly get my pants buttoned. It feels like just last week I was making shortbread candy bars and starting my demise into the bermuda triangle of holidays – halloween, thanksgiving, xmas. Here I am a year later not sure of how I got here but regardless I’m back up one hundred plus pounds. I cannot have anything in my life to complicate matters.

I tried to volunteer as a webmaster for a art program and one meeting with the group and I was pumped but I had to cancel the next meeting. I could not bring myself to go.

The Christmas music starts at 11PM tonight on my most favorite music channel on music choice – Sounds of the Season. I am listening to the last of Witch doctor, Gothic Girl, Monster Mash, Poltergeist theme, The Shape Stalks, Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman, oh so many others. Vampires by Christopher Lee is my favorite. I heard it last year for the very first time. It didn’t disappoint this year.

Today I ate cookies, chocolate pop tarts, Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries, and a medium (huge) coke. It all tasted weird to me so I gulped down some soda but threw away a few fries after they tasted bitter. All bad.

Another major point my beloved caregiver group facilitator whom I love discussed is the fact of health problems and issues. She has high blood pressure stemming from many years ago while she was in a very stressful situation. I always allow myself to say – yea well I’m thirty whatever and i’m young and I’m inconvincible. not true. my ovaries aren’t going to stay fruitful and ripe forever. this scares me. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to lose my opportunity to have a baby because of her.

Plagued by bloody noses I now have a sinus problem that is giving me terrible headaches. This doesn’t have anything to do with my sore jaw from clinching my teeth.

When I laid down for a nap today I immediately fell asleep even though my stomach hurt. Car problems, picking up, driving, picking up food, dropping off people, small short rest. I’m not drinking enough water either.

I bought prune juice, cranberry juice, cinnamon raisin bagels, half n half, organic half gallon of milk, and two containers of center cut bacon (so damn fucking good), a dozen organic eggs. So I’ll be set for breakfast for this week. Bacon, egg, cheese bagel sandwiches my so very favorite breakfast. Paired with a chocolate frosted honeymooner donut. What more could someone who can’t be bothered about their health ask for? Only that typing what I just typed makes me superstitious and I do care, I’m afraid not to.

For the first day of November I cried, became surprized once again at the darkness of morning and felt sad when I saw the Christmas trees go up this morning.