It’s a regular day. I am determined to find a respite care center and called two places one of which doesn’t have respite care. Oh really? I thought. I dropped off mom at the adult day care center. Later than usual but that doesn’t matter anyway. I had one hour to kill before the treatment of maladjustments by a professional technique. I visited my niece and let Pip play. I made the above phone calls. I contacted the county aging and disability center in regards to medicaid or title nineteen aka family care. I became educated on all these mind numbing details. I felt good. There were only ten minutes left.

I haven’t thought about my insurance enough. I’ve been part of the general population of downtrodden and displaced. A NSFW individual. Over four hundred dollars paid monthly well over a year with the benefits of piece of mind and those magical pills for the melancholy downtrodden. While away on “vaycay” I received a piece of paper enveloped in an envelope informing me of September twenty eighth twenty eleven my last coverage date. Since the NSFW money ran out many months ago I have had a hard time paying the well over four hundred dollars to keep this coverage. So I have decided to forego the safety of coverage.

I sat down on the couch. I remember when she brought the couch into her room. There were only mildly comfortable formal cushioned chairs wooshing air out of them as my ass released my weight. I sat on the couch. We started out as usual. I started going into my phone calls.



What’s really great about having a professional listener for nearly four years is one cannot hide from their observations because they seemingly quote on quote know you. Or at least this is my experience. So she noticed a change in my demeanor, stance, posture, hand position on the fast food chain coffee with two creams she diligently buys every week for me. I don’t notice this about myself until she says something about it.



Three weeks ago I began taking a tiny half round mass of solid medicine to be swallowed whole psychoactive drug. A small possibility of it working well enough after such a short time makes me squinty in disbelief. But my brain rehibilitator believes it to be true.



Shortly after she wanted to discuss my insurance. “I will continue to see you after your insurance runs out for the cost of your copay.” I began to cry. The gesture was pure. I only could hear in my head ‘blessed’ I’m not religious. “I’m going to cry. It’s so nice of you” and as if on cure I did cry. I felt so lucky. so undeserving. But she really meant it and said “I’ve never done this for anyone else.” She explained, tearing up herself about how she wants to see me through this. Despite the time that has passed since our session I can’t even remember what she all said at that moment.



Driving home I didn’t know anything. I backed out of the parking lot, Pip in the back seat, windows down, and didn’t know anything until five and a half miles later. I realized I was clinching my hand against my knee and constraining the steering wheel without knowing how I got there. I felt so tense but nearly floating as if I’d been asleep the whole time. How do these things happen? I felt as though I’d been in a trance and didn’t even know how I got five and a half miles down the road. I drove the rest of the way home trying to comprehend anything on the radio or on the road. Nothing sunk in. Rohypnol.



Before I left I hugged her. I said thank you again. She gives these amazing hugs conjuring a feeling of ‘all okay’ ‘everything will be alright’ and a sense of stability realness, I guess love. I felt like any second she may kiss my cheek. I could almost feel her face sliding from my face to peck my cheek. I mean I feel very uncomfortable but loved at the same time. My toes are knotted intensively. She does that well. Like a mom.

When clouds look like this this is when the vacation is over.