When my psychotherapist returned after the burial of her mother not wanting to cross any patient therapist boundaries, I asked if I could hug her. She obliged. These brief two seconds made me get her much better. It wasn’t me giving her the hug as I had thought. She controlled the aggressive grabbing and bringing one close. Then she held much tighter than I anticipated. Perhaps she wanted to convey to me “I am fine and ready to therapize you.” Or I am stronger than what you think. I expected those hugs one doesn’t think about. The ones with a quick hold and release maybe a pat on the back gently. I had been caught offguard. Not unlike today.

It’s been a long time coming but my psychotherapy appointment caused general malaise and tears. She gave me one specific task to do. I waited a long time for instruction and thought tasks may help my journey to stability. After two point five years she gave me a job. With the lead up I had best complete the project. Although very tempting to not complete. I thought I’d feel better losing weight and getting into shape unfortunately I haven’t felt so bad in my entire life.

I hurt most who are around me. There isn’t a worse feeling knowing this truth.

My psychotherapist gave me a copy of the ten forms of twisted thinking. Then she hugged me and even though in the office I couldn’t hold back my tears which apparently would flow freely for the next __ hours. It made me feel better or at least calm for milliseconds. The receptionist tried to make me laugh since she was watching us and knew of my tears. I took a huge deep breath and somehow got the words “next thursday at 1330 please.”

Embarrassment.

I went out the back door avoiding the waiting room where eyes and thoughts would question “I wonder what’s wrong with her.” I walked to my car under the bright mid summer sun and let the tears drop to the sidewalk.