We’re both screwed up. It creates a bond.

No headache today. There are several things I changed. First,

I walked.

Two, I stopped wearing my most favorite ever flipflops that are so incredibly comfortable; they feel like a cloud. 

And third, I removed over half of the ticking from my pillow. In this case it’s husks or hulls. 

I slept so good. And Artie didn’t wake up to go poop at 1, 2, or 4:30. The diarrhea epidemic of 2017 is over!

Catch me a break

I cannot seem to bring myself back into the world of Twitter. I’m very behind and I don’t want to catch up. I read Twitter everyday. Constantly. It’s my main source of information and news. I’m not sure what’s going on since I don’t watch the news or have conversations with others who are up on politics and news. So I’m in a bubble. It’s fine.

I finished the book The Handmaid’s Tale. It’s was relevant even though written in the early eighties.

Artie woke me up at 4:30 to have more diarrhea. The neighbors surrounding me had glowing television sets and lights. So early. It was a normal day.

Forever sounds nice

So many piles of poop to pick up. Gelatinous and otherwise. The sun shined and felt warm. Spring arrived early this morning. We drove the broken car around with all the windows down. I had daymares of people stealing my dogs as I left the windows down and purchased more dog food. Nova went to the vet and the diagnosis is more I suli , but he’s better.
There was a lot of activity at the neighborhood matriarch and patriach’s home. Every time I looked out in the kitchen I see their home and my heart hurt again. I couldn’t stop feeling this big sadness. I had to dart away fast to stop it from overtaking. 
My head hurt again. I drank black coffee and poked my back, neck and face muscles. 

What has lived there was hope and fear

Idk why but after seeing an ambulance leave the matriarch and patriarch’s home this afternoon, I knew one of them had died. I was so sad. I had to work really hard not to have my entire day off ruined by these thoughts. I watched the ambulance leave quietly. It wasn’t a hometown ambulance. It was most likely the coroner. Family were standing close to one another. Some embracing and wiping away tears. I knew someone must have passed. I felt so sad! They’ve been there forever. I remember them as a child. They knew my grandparents. They ruled the neighborhood. After some digging I found the patriarch of the neighborhood died a year and some months ago. Then I felt even worse. It was the mother of the neighborhood who I would wave at while mowing my lawn while she mowed hers. Is it possible this was so many years ago? Her face was careworn. Lovely woman. But how would I know anything. I saw two man neighbors congregating between their homes and theirs. I just knew it. I had a feeling. They wouldn’t do that if something hadn’t happened that was dread. So sad today. And end of an era.

How about just more pics?

It’s going to be alright. If the new government doesn’t believe carbon emissions ruin the ozone layer, we won’t survive much longer. But a baby is born and all this is temporarily gone from my mind. I focused on work today. I was in a good zone where time was forgotten and I didn’t recall what time my day was specifically supposed to end. I didn’t keep the Twitter application up on my iTelephone. Instead I looked for photos of past. I got so into that I couldn’t remember which photo I was looking for anymore. I was happy to have found some that I haven’t seen in many years. Ones of me and Meg hanging outside in the clearest sky ever in early 2006. I did a lot of traveling during that period. We had a lot of sex. We also had some very rough times too. The photos I came across reminded me and I could feel those bad circumstances stick thick on the images. Don’t ever look in a folder named Halloween. Terrible bad no. Don’t do it. I moaned and audibly groaned shaking my head violently. I did not want to see it and I quickly closed it and moved on as quickly as possible. The baby, the baby. The baby brought me back. My grand niece in all her new fresh glory. 

Nothing else mattered

The day started out great because I became a great aunt. That kept me going for some of the morning until my head started pounding. 
I had to then do something way beyond my comfort zone. I had to interact with a male coworker. Someone I’ve never said two words to. He intimidated me. I kept thinking I acted like a complete idiot. I sound like an idiot. I don’t like anyone. Especially myself and to have to take this time at the end of my day and try to coach this dude, it was pure hell. I was unable to form words.

Then my sister came over with my niece and I felt so left out as they left to go visit the new baby of the family. I have a diabetic cat and I wanted some sympathy from my girl, but received none. 
Feeding off of her negative emotions our life is consumed with bad feelings and more upsetting depressing luck. None of this should matter today. None at all. It was a wonderful happy day until it went sour because of the upside void I had to deal with and feeling left out from a trip to Kentucky to see a new member of the family. 

I don’t know how it suddenly matters so much when a new life starts. I’ve tried to be ignorant and defiant. Mean, nasty, hateful surrounding this. But then a new life started and I felt a lump in my throat. I felt so excited. I couldn’t focus as clearly as usual. All because of something I wanted to not have any positive feelings for. What did that accomplish? Those feelings of hurt, of want, of green envy, they aren’t that baby’s fault. How could I feel those things on her first day of life? My nephew and his wife, have been nothing but sweet and thoughtful, always. To both me and my spouse elect. How could I blame them for my jealousy? I didn’t want to feel anything for this child they created, but I do already. Love, adoration, the honor of being the first great nibling of a very new generation. What person could I be for this person? I wish my mom was here.

Not quite great.

We weren’t great aunts yet. I did get worried as the time got near 11am and noon. It was then twelve hours since she started to be induced to get that baby out.

Then the big emotional texts started.

This one made us all cry. 

It was a very emotional night. And baby still has not arrived. But soon.

Partying on the outside

It was a struggle to stay warm.

The snow melted off the driveway which was the  best we could hope for.

Pip went down in the basement to grab my scarf and bring it upstairs. She knows this is hilarious. 

In the cold air we had chilly homemade by my spouse elect. We made it fancy in front of the television dining. 

My niece in law texted to say she will be induced at midnight eastern standard time. Another generation is coming aboard. I’m excited and so very sad for my own womb is ____. Anyway by this time tomorrow or maybe by the time I wake, I’ll be Great Aunt Sarah. Holy shit. 

You miss 100% the naps you don’t take

It snowed a lot today. Like a lotta lotta lot. I had to use the snow blower like an adult. It didn’t go the best because of the heavy wet end of drive way mess kept getting stuck in the shoot. My girl came home with a surprised look on her face and made chili. Red giant spiders live beneath the stairs. 

The clean house fantasy

Grandma called. It was a lot of dead air because I can’t explain things to her. My cat needs a shot of insulin every twelve hours. I couldn’t explain the new dog’s name: Artie. She couldn’t get it.

I was told my uncle by marriage’s sister lives in Connecticut. Screaming, I wanted to say “How did she end up there!” A population of less than a thousand. A bunch of farmers from a catholic family in the middle of the Midwest. Acres of land and farms. Born into farming, the only thing they know. Now she’s in Connecticut. They didn’t go to college. No one did. How could you when the eggs needed to be collected and something needed tilling. Or even more all the children you had needed care. And as women and sisters, it is their duty. I wish I knew more. I doubt my cousins even understand the curiosity. My niece is going to have a baby, either today, tomorrow or Wednesday. Those are the days. I will be an old great aunt. I’m somewhat excited. I cannot admit to this myself. 

Always ready for bed

It’s baby boy’s 2nd birthday today!

We didn’t get to do much of his favorite things but he did get to have his favorite treats and the birthday cake toy that plays the Happy Birthday song and Pipi hates it and yells.

Great Horned Owls were hooting and we could see their shadows in the trees. One flew away and then we ran inside because it was freezing outside.