I had to travel to the middle of the state right next to the capital but not the capital. It was very foggy. Then snow fell violently for thirty seconds then some rain. I like having an excuse to use my fog lamps.
I spotted one of my favorite weather phenomenon: Hoar Frost.
It was so beautiful.
Everywhere: hoar.
I was excited to see the hoar frost up close in the yard but by the time I got about 25 miles from home the phenomenon wasn’t present any longer. Only fog.
A mad rush to complete an outfit business professional, 3-5 supervisor references, prints of an accurate resume, brushing up on the interview questions, learning about the company. This all has lead to a very late night. Up at 6 for an approx driving time of one hr and twenty three minutes.
The last day of the first month and I see a dandelion escaping from the snow in 52F temperature. It’s not a good feeling when it’s this warm. It worries me.
An uneasiness falls on me. This is not normal. Not for Wisconsin. I suppose sprouting is just around the corner.
Last week my aunt called me to tell me all the horrible things she witnessed at my mom’s facility. She used ‘the colored girl’ while telling me details. My mom’s bathroom isn’t as clean as it should be. Hair, feces, pee, sticky floor. The drain in the shower also is nasty. Also, the showers. Once a week people.
Can you imagine showering once a week? She cries when she looks in the mirror, her hair is flat and greasy.
I visited today after mentioning all these complaints to the director of the facility and she nodded and agreed. I was very happy what I saw. My mom’s hair was done! She also was clean. I know she gets her weekly shower on Saturday nights but maybe they changed that to today. She didn’t smell. She looked good. My mom looked really nice with her hair done. The bathroom wasn’t perfect but it was better, as I knelt in front of the cabinet putting the adult diapers away. I noticed the drain in the shower looked fab.
She told me about George. ‘This nice man’ she kept calling him. As far as I can gather he looks after her and ‘takes care of me’. It’s cute. She was sitting next to him as I greeted her in the hallway. We sat in her room for over an hour and I cried. I miss her and I hate it that this has happened to her.
But she looked good and things had been improved since I called. Her toenails need to be cut.
I called my aunt after speaking with my grandmother for awhile. My aunt was happy to hear about the changes and her hair and cleanliness of her.
I called my sister in my relatively happiness to explain what had happened. My sister said she gave her a shower because she stunk yesterday and her hair was greasy so she did her hair when she was done with the shower.
Oh.
There is a white dried stain on her bedspread. Her glasses had a blue string hanging from them. I left it there at first. I had noticed some people had names on their glasses with a noticeable sticker on the arm. I wondered if someone there had put this blue piece of string on the glasses hing so they know it’s mom’s.
I looked at her glasses and removed the piece of string. It was just that. A piece of string hanging from her glasses for no reason why.
I have so many doubts and regrets.
My sig other’s birthday. all my love.
Also these.
Time to move on from the craziness and mania.
Feeling empty.
Worthless.
Lonely.
I have nothing.
I don’t have anything to give.
Hate my feelings
Stalkingly read they are on their way out of the state. I am heartbroken. I feel completely deflated. I started an email and then thought better of it and it’s over. I will never have the chance again.
Hate myself as I knew I would. I organized and tried with the house and three weeks later it’s too late. I can blame others for time delay but I never took the step towards contact and now. Gone.
The self loathing continues. I hate myself so much. Here I am in Wisconsin and it means nothing. I feel dead stupid worthless hate myself ad nauseum.
Damn it.
Fuck u. Your chance is over life is the same as before they were here. Damn
Coincidences.
Workin on my old diary…. found:
while on-line stalking this posted 22mins ago:
There have been many days I’ve wanted to write that e-mail and attempt to get in contact with those two people who will never be as close as they are to me as they are right this very second. But but but. Damn. I obsess and think and wonder all day long. I painted the living room and dining room and B painted a second coat but the ceiling remains unfinished.
I did these things because I envisioned them coming here. Really? Yup. Like I stated I’m consumed with the idea of having complete strangers in my home for ….. well? Brunch. I’ve settled on brunch. I’ve settled on becoming someone I’m not – Outgoing and talkative and positive and creative and comfortable in my own skin.
But I’m NOT. I’m, so fucking NOT.
And that alone makes me say “what the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck am I doing?” why bother why bring them to my stinky out of date home?
Ugh and the thought of them…. HERE. My eyes tear up because I cannot fathom it. So because of this I’ve gone back and forth on a daily basis of actually going through with contact and well… forgetting everything.
Meanwhile their reason for being here happened one week ago yesterday. Gaybies.
I attempted to explain these things to my psychotherapist and I she didn’t get it one bit. No one will not even the person I’ve slept with for seven point five years. I guess I could try to make her understand. I’m embarrassed. Ashamed. feel incredibly stupid. I’m me and this is why I’m so ashamed.
On the other hand, I envision this brunch of vegan / vegetarian dishes. Desserts.
Conversation, I’d have to work hard on keeping abreast of what to mention and try not to let them know I am stalkingly social networking pretty much non-stop.
So the biggest thing is I know there time is very limited since the reason(S) why they were here are now here. And they will be on their way probably NEVER coming back to this area since they have been here for several weeks maybe even over a month probably. Yesterday and Wednesday I gave up since I knew their time would be very limited. “It’s too late” I said to myself. “you missed your stupid chance” and the regret would be here in a matter of miliseconds. So I’m dealing with second thoughts and thinking of actually REALLY contacting them.
I will lay in my bed in the early morning hours and think about it writing my letter in my head over and over again wondering how I could even describe who I am and why they don’t know me and why the fuck I know of them (not KNOW them) lets get real this is the internet we’re dealing with.
My mania persists non-stop. I eat and eat and the person I share my bed with has become resentful towards me and I feel it and instead of doing something about it I keep thinking of brunch and meeting two gay daddies and welcoming them in my home. Also money.
This would be the main reason why my sig other would be completely against anything to do with having guests over – money. Preparing a lavish (I certainly would try) meal for two people I’ve never met before would be… well C R A Z Y . and i get it. but i still cannot give up.
because i have nothing else to fill my days with. i have nothing else to consume myself with. and the person I share my bed with’s birthday is now five days away and I have nothing prepared for this either. But I can fantasize and prepare myself for a pseudo event which most likely will never happen.
Yesterday.
Today. 55F to 24F. Must be Wisconsin.
Pips first experience playing in the snow and she pretty much went crazy and romped and thought she could eat it all. Munching on it. Funny.
I took her for a short walk down the street with Meg’s leash. It was so exciting! Beautiful sparkly snow lightly covering everything. Peaceful. Except for the puppy dragging me. It’s funny because she pees wherever instead of the grass. Just like Meg. MissU my black precious dog. Still can’t believe she’s gone.