Oh, Christmas tree how annoying you are

Lunch break Christmas tree bought.

By myself. Again.

When I was little I was sad we didn’t ever have a Christmas tree. No decorations, nothing. What did my mom do? I don’t remember. There was no celebrating. All I wanted was a tree and some Christmas decorations. I guess that’s how I finally convinced myself to go get a tree and do it. But alone, as usual.

I wrapped strand after long strand of lights around and around. Artie lay on the floor wrapped in a comforter. Pipi sauntered away afraid I might drop something on her. I washed the window. Otherwise the reflection of the tree shows all the nose smudges. It was another day.

I keep avoiding avoiding avoiding my nieces and sister. I just can’t do it this year. Can’t do festive things with family. I’m done. Can’t do it at all.

Feelings rising

Since September all I’ve been doing is working. Sixty some hours a week. Time is flying by and Christmas is a week and a half away. We decided not to exchange gifts. It’s been a year of maxed out credit cards and even a bad extremely high interest loan. I’ve stopped taking photos. My foot has been hurting so bad lately. Apparently it’s plantar policeman foot.

No Christmas tree.

Only a handful of decorations out. Half of the living room is cleaned and the rest of the house is so dusty and furry. No time to clean let alone get our deco. And now I work till 8pm until June.

I’m out of my depression meds and I desperately need them.

I had that dream again.

I was with her for four years. And only two and a half or so years I spent completely head over my heels infatuated.

And yet the dreams continue on a monthly basis for twenty three years.

They always leave me breathless and so frustrated from awakening. Giant dogs, my dogs, more dogs and that person. And the agony of awkwardness. And knowing she was coming around to me. Somehow.

Like how incredibly fucked up is it that I am still allowing myself to be plagued by that force of nature, molding my life to what it is now? And I absolutely adore these dreams. They are a whole other life that I lead without anyone knowing. I’m forty years old. How am I this stupid?

Is it really 2017?

Yesterday was our towns tree lighting like I would ever care. For some reason I made it my mission to charge towards that tree this morning so I could see it in its glory. There it is. Work was work. Dogs were funny. Cats were there. Food was eaten. Pretzels were chewed with Christmas red and green peanut butter M&Ms. Deep house music ran through me all day. It was another day. Coffee brewed and dipped gently. I made people laugh on my team. It was nice. For once. I dreamed of putting up vintage Christmas lights. I wanted them badly but worried I’d fall off a ladder or worse. I made chicken enchiladas last week or maybe Monday. I’ve been eating them all week. They’re not my moms and I don’t think I like them anymore.

Is it really 2017?

I spend my free time on the toilet on Twitter. Today it was a shit show, but exciting. Russians, T****, lies, FBI. I still have nothing to say. Days go by quickly somehow.

People of the sea ice

Pipi sits on Artie. He doesn’t mind.

Here’s Nova with what’s left of a dog toy a customer gave SO just because they are a nice person. I didn’t know that type of kindness existed in this world any longer.

Grateful

This is always a tough day for me. Thanksgiving 2017. My stepmom called and left me a nice voice mail and I had to stop listening because it made me cry. My aunt. My youngest niece.

Almost stepping on a rabbit

I nearly crushed a rabbit with my foot and body as I stomped down the compost dead landscaping pile. It ran quickly beneath my foot and of course I franticly yelled “I’m so sorry!” But it just kept running.

A disapproving look. We’re all Barb but want to be Patty.

It’s the most hated time of year. The holidays and the Christmas cactus bloomed just like it did last thanksgiving. I bought Kelsen cookies and only had two. I spent the day cleaning up the lawn and struggling against wind. As I finished the one side of the lawn, the leaves blew over and covered it all again. I practiced mindfulness while driving and it worked.

One my flame and twice my burn

Seven until nineteen thirty. One half hour lunch. Since September. Six days a week. Now I have an overpriced phone and I’m not in love with it. What do you do? Beyond obsessed with a song called Needy Bees

Lost. Days are flying by. I wish I had had more sex when I was younger. And kissed more women.

Today’s new message

I’m cleaning off my old iTelephone of old photos. I came across one of my favorite memories of Pip.

It was a photo opportunity when we took a walk with significant other to the hardware store. It was winter. There is a blank brown wall next to the bank and I tried to take her photo in front of this blank wall. She just wanted to be next to me instead. It makes me smile and tear a little.