June 28, 1999

Written by Sarah on June 28th, 2009

Ten years ago today I left my safe sheltered midwesternly town by myself and went on an adventure ultimately changing my life forever. I started tearing up when I left my mother’s safe arms. I walked down a steep staircase onto the tarmac. The tiny propeller airplane sat in front of me. I looked over my shoulder and could make out my mom waving frantically through the tinted windows. I had to duck down when I entered the plane and found my seat: 3F. I tried to stop crying but fear and concern wrecked my frame of mind. Before we even left the ground my nose started gushing blood. The entire flight I had a bloody nose. Luckily it was a short flight.

At the Toronto (my first time in OH Canada!) airport looking at maple leaf decorations and maple syrup. I boarded the Lufthansa with my boarding pass (Bordkarte!) in my hand. During the transatlantic flight I wrote in my diary. It must have been a rough flight because I cannot read what I wrote. I attempted to read a book named Amsterdam, that I found very boring. I only bought books through Britain Amazon because I wanted my favorites to be spelled as favourites, surprise as surprize, color as colour, and apartments as flats. Blame my obsession (which just ended before my journey, I swear) with the Spice Girls, mainly Sporty Spice.

I grew up in the upper midwest where everyone’s wardrobe consists basically of t-shirts and jeans. I grew up not having to wear anything other than jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, not even owning anything for church attire since we never went. I wore men’s 501 button-fly jeans before I hit puberty. Nothing was more comfortable. I wasn’t into pink v-necks or anything in the girl’s department at Kohl’s. I still dress like a prepubescent boy. After catching an early flight in Frankfurt, I landed in Zagreb Croatia with my Spice Girls calendar and nothing but t-shirts, jeans, several pairs of Nike Air Max, a pair of Teva’s and shorts. Sloppy.

The first jet lagged night I spend at some outdoor dining place where I met several hundred (it was about 20 but felt like so many more) of my father’s friends. They came baring gifts for me, some of which I still have. I had a very hard understanding their thick Croatian accents. Most of the talk wanted to know about me and America. Mortified at the attention I received, I pretended to like the party they had for me. Luckily a son of one of the many Vesna’s arrived and he brought his girlfriend. Although older than I, they took to my side trying to talk to me in their heavily accented English. Luckily I started to escape the limelight and soon the party dissipated and the couple took me to a real European Disco. I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life. I felt so small and realized how much I stood out in my DKNY shirt, khaki shorts, Nike shoes, and nose stud. All the women looked like women and not teenage boys like me. Luckily it was dark, but for someone who doesn’t dance or drink (at the time), it was torture. I wasn’t able to decipher or decifer anything in their thick accents with the loud electronic music booming. We left and sat outside for what felt like (and was) hours in the darkness. They finally drove me back to my father’s apartment or flat in their tiny hatch backed bumpy stick car around 0430. I had a key but could not figure out the European lock. I tried one more time and finally unlocked the door around 0600.
Teenage boy stage

I can only hope those two don’t remember me ten years later. Hopefully they have met others who represent the American culture a little better than me in my teenage boy attire.

Dad knocked on my bedroom door early wanting to get an early start on a drive to Mošćenička Draga. I felt dead. In my tiredness stooper I ended up packing no underware, bra, and one t-shirt. At least I had my nail polish. Knowing how much I loved the beach and sea my dad drove me to the most beautiful crystal clear water and postcardesque place I had ever seen.
floating in the Adriatic
The beaches were covered with smooth small rocks. My dad took his shorts off revealing a black Speedo and I just about lost my lunch. This time period was before 9/11 when blending in with cultural norms while traveling was not common. I nearly died. I painted my toes carefully not to notice anything about the Speedo and adjusted my bruising bottom on the rocks. Several small Croatian girls came over to admire my nail polish collection and they said something sounding like “Look at all the colors” and I worried to my dad I was attracting the locals. My dad re-assured me they most likely had never seen my color nail polish before and they were interested. I quickly hid the nail polish under my towel careful not to crack the bottles on the rocks and went snorkeling.

The hotel we stayed at had double door windows, beautiful views of the Adriatic sea and a salt water swimming pool. I realized while looking through my things I only had one t-shirt to wear the whole stay. Too embarrassed to tell my dad about my lack of clothes but I don’t think he noticed, I wore the same thing to dinner that night as I did the day we drove there. Awkward.
Palace hotel and a teenage boy wearing a superman shirt.
We walked on a stony boardwalk of some sort for over an hour around the cove on the edge of the sea to an outdoor restaurant. I constantly worried about seafood poisoning and not drinking any of the water so my father ordered. First we had tomato soup. This most likely was the best tomato soup I’ve ever had. Thick and rich with cream and perfectly seasoned I slightly forgot about the threat of poisoning. Continuing with the tomato theme we ate a tomato salad that was the best tomato salad I have ever had. I will forever crave this tomato salad! Another plate of appetizers came and I have regressed most of this memory out of shock. I sort of remember squid, eel, several different kinds of fish (with fins!), and liking it all. My journal I kept so faithful doesn’t have any details of this meal. (more on this later) The main entree arrived completely covered in sea salt. The waiter cracked the salt off using two tools from the Flintstones cartoons. Underneath was a large sea bass (head, fins and eye ball included!). I have never tasted any seafood as good as that night. And no seafood sickness! I’ve never had authentic seafood since and crab cakes don’t count.

Looking back I regret not taking more photos, I quite possibly forgot to bring my camera along.

Dad drove us back to Zagreb on very narrow mountainous roads packed with large trucks with circle stickers on the back warning drivers this truck cannot go more than 50 kilometers per hour. I began my search for no gas water (one can tire quickly of Coke and Coke lite) and readied for my six week stay in Vienna (Wien!). I would attend a school to learn German (DEUTSCH!) as a beginner, and would enter the German speaking country of Austria (Österreich!) not knowing one word of German. To call myself frightened doesn’t describe the fear. I had never felt so alone and far away from my mother’s open arms. One cannot learn how to arrive at adulthood and dress age appropriate without going through a period of sloppy, awkward, Spice Girls obsessed, prepubescent boy issues and learn how to live without mommy’s safety. I learned quickly when I was dropped off at Gentzgasse, Kolpinghaus that I had to adapt.

Coffee therapy

Written by Sarah on June 21st, 2009

Attending a high school graduation party recently I was reminded of my own thirteen years ago. I never thought I’d look back and envy where I was but seeing the graduate and knowing he has freedom summer in front if him I became overly jealous. No worries, bills, or people to tend to.

I’ve become a weather nerd as of late. I enjoy the NOAA web pages and find the information within amazingly engrossing. Severe storms were around the area most likely because of gay pride the religious say. Perhaps I’ll become a storm chaser for the adreneline and excitement. Lord knows I could use something of that nature.

I frequently watch Julianne Moore freak out in the Pharmacy from the movie Magnolia. “You motherfucker, motherfucker. Who the fuck? You fucking asshole. Who the fuck do you think you are? I come in here you don’t know me you don’t know who I am and what my life is. You have the balls the indecency to ask me a question about my life? Fuck you too! Don’t you call me lady. I come in here I give these things to you. You check. You make your phone calls look suspicious ask questions. I’m sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me my life what’s wrong? How is it like to hve death in your bed in your house? Where’s your fucking decency? And then I’m asked fucking questions… What’s wrong? Suck my dick that’s what’s wrong. And YOU you fucking call me lady? Shame on you! Shame on you. Shame on both of you.”
I feel the same way all the time. Especially today entering the nursing home walking down the very long corridors touching the diseased elevator buttons and knowing I have probably already caught the gastrointestinal malady.

Wet Banana

Written by Sarah on June 5th, 2009

I received a Wet Banana for my seventh birthday. The Wet Banana included a long piece of yellow plastic with a sprinkler shaped like a banana to hook up the hose to it. I had received the gift from my father who coincidently spelled my name incorrect on my birthday card that year.

It’s possible I used the Wet Banana once that summer. I know whenever I wanted to use the Wet Banana no one would set it up for me and I couldn’t use very much water.

A few years later I was lucky enough to have several friends come over for my Wet Banana birthday party. Of course my one friend Lisa hurt her head the first time she went sliding down the plastic. She always made a scene and would cry relatively easy. I suppose her frequent tears resulted because of suppressed sadness from abuse she received from her pastor father. Regardless I never had another Wet Banana birthday party or friends over to slide down because of Lisa’s hurt head. The elders in my life feared liability suits filed against a careless Wet Banana birthday party.

B just found my old Wet Banana today tucked into the very last corner of the house in the rafters above the garage. I’m sure my Grandpa hid it from me there so I wouldn’t waste water and ruin the grass. I turn thirty-one in a couple of weeks. I feel a Wet Banana birthday party in my near future.

Have I been bitten by a Tsetse Fly?

Written by Sarah on May 31st, 2009

My efforts to remain upbeat were quickly squashed when I found myself saying the dreaded words “Well I should just kill myself and get it over with.” Or something to the effect of that. Oh depression.

Today I thought to myself I think it may be time to end this mopey attitude. But then what would I blog about?

Things to be depressed about:
Time keeps moving so quickly and I know the things I am most disgruntled about will eventually end and then what will I obsess about? The social networking sites continue to disappoint. What am I here for? Networking and friendship. None of which ever happen. The quest to find the perfect flattering photo for my profile picture continues.

I don’t really WANT to kill myself. For real. I think what I’m trying to say is I would like to sleep and wake at my own free will in a quiet house without interruption. Perhaps people who are suicidal (not me seriously, I am really not) are just tired and want sleep. I feel like I have read this somewhere or heard it on NPR.

I don’t hit snooze. I hear my alarm go off and I get up. On occasion I reset my alarm for an hour or so later. B hits snooze four or five times every morning. I hear the soundtrack for The Hours go off and repeatedly hear the familiar piano notes go off every 9 minutes. Even back in high school I never hit snooze. I have slept through my alarm and woken up not realizing I’ve shut it off. The point is I’m tired but not in a suicidal sort of way.

I know sleep helps combat aging of the face and with all my gray hair it’s the least I can do. I’m thirty-one in a few weeks and perhaps this is the start of a mid-life crisis. Except I’m not in mid life. Hopefully. My mortality has been on my mind lately and not because I said those words I did not mean. The sickness around me is deafening and I’ve grown tired.

der Start

Written by Sarah on May 24th, 2009

I am sorry.

My apology derives from this blog (I have started not to like the word blog even though it originates from the longer version weblog, web log, we blog, I grow tired of the differences) and the sporadic, poor updates. I have ignored myself and the many changes sprung upon me. With the fear of falling off the web completely (I resurrected sarahjeansmith.com, renewing for another few years and although I’m not very happy with the way it looks) it will get there eventually. Please stay with me here.

I have lost my archives from 2007-2008, and possibly 2009 as well. Not lost completely, I have them backed up but cannot configure them back into my template. Any advice? I’ve spent hours at the Wordpress forums but I get distracted and usually do not have several days to spend figuring out how to fix.

I have other archives stemming back to 2005. These consist of days when I felt better and possibly made more sense and took up residence in Washington, D.C. I enjoy reading them but figured no one else really needs to see that tired old b.s. Then I killed my blog. I had a few followers but just couldn’t figure out what to write about or aim towards. I felt like I revealed too much about myself but hated what I exposed.

So Sarah Spelled the Right Way lives on, although I have grown tired of the name. I may rename it someday. I have re-started this blog. Expect more words and less links. I’ve started Twittering to relieve some of the tiny blogging I’ve tended to post. I am trying new formats to reflect what’s inside of my head. I guess I’m trying to create something else.

Ruined Memorial Day weekend

Written by Sarah on May 22nd, 2009

The first long weekend of summer and instead of enjoying I worry about my mortality..

Watching Away From Her, Julie Christie’s character succumbs to Alzheimer’s, I feel like I’m seeing my own future. “I think I may be beginning to disappear,” she says. Who are we when we can’t remember who we are? The body is all we have left. It probably won’t resemble anything I remember either.

A common faded anchor tattoo

Written by Sarah on May 19th, 2009

The matriarch and patriarch of the neighorhood are listening to the Hartford 104.9 polka station. I will call them the Hilgers; that is their name. Old weathered and short they sit together on their driveway where they’ve sat for as long as I can remember always friendly and eagar to wave when passing their blacktop driveway. During summer days they tend to yardwork with the Misses doing most of the heavy lifting and driving the orange Simplicity tractor every Wednesday over their dandelion free yard. It’s possible Mr Hilger had a stroke or pulmonary thrombosis as these things happen to older weathered people. He drags a white plastic chair along with his cane so he may sit down and rest while putting up his summer mailbox. The homemade mailbox is a perfect scaled down version of a mail truck. The unobservant snowplow drivers would have no mercy in winter.

They go to church on Sunday morning and attend Friday night fish fry at the bowling alley. Mr. Hilger is a mason and active in the American Legion.

The younger neighbors flock to them seeking their wisdom. They hardly are alone on their driveway with neighborly visitors.

When I see them sitting there I am reminded of my own grandpa. Every summer evening after the dinner dishes were washed and dried (even though we had a perfect automatic dishwasher but apparently it used too much water to use it) he would sit just like the Hilgers. He would look up at the vapor streaks in the sky and count how many times the cardinal would call.

Sometimes things shockingly don’t move as fast as RSS reader updates. I’m reminded of non media and Country Time Pink Lemonade lifestyles when I see the Hilgers sitting. Not many in my generation sits outside and wave to neighbores and paint the US Post Office emblem on their mailbox. We don’t have time for that when Twitter needs updating and Facebook has all those quizzes to take. Who has a radio in the garage anymore? Who listens to the radio when there are podcasts and satellite radio without a polka channel? Who listens to the whichoo whichoo choo choo choo choo choo choo ad nauseum of a Cardinal?

So when I walked Meg while thumbing through e-mail wondering how far my wireless reached in the yard and the strange sound of polka, polka-ed its way to my ears I knew I must get inside, open my laptop, read my feeds, turn on the non-polka satillite, and blog this strange occurance.

Oh dear…

Written by Sarah on May 18th, 2009

I feel a real need to express something, but I don’t know what it is I want to express…or how to express it… Please stand by while I update many things and make things better.